Late Night Snark: Mid-May Edition
"Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to four-thousand dollars in expenses every year. The only catch is you've got to do it during your eight-minute lunch break."
—Michael Che, SNL
"The Supreme Court is supposed to serve the rights of all Americans, not just partisan interests. Every decision the court makes will impact generations to come. At this rate we're going to wake up one morning and find out that they used the shadow docket to give guns the right to vote."
—Samantha Bee
Continued...
You are now below the fold. I admire your courage.
"North Carolina Representative Madison Cawthorn lost his Republican primary. Hopefully next time he'll learn his lesson: next time you get invited to a cocaine orgy, just go."
—Seth Meyers
"There's bad news for Russia. Finland and Sweden have both signed off on their bids to join NATO. Finland and Sweden are very serious about making this official—they've each left a toothbrush in NATO's bathroom already."
—Stephen Colbert
-
"In a new interview, Dr. Anthony Fauci criticized the Trump administration's handling of the coronavirus pandemic, and said it 'wasn't optimal.' Which is kind of like saying the Hindenburg experienced a flight delay."
—Seth Meyers
"The entire crypto market has lost over a trillion dollars. But don’t worry. You can still make that money back fast, as long as you've been hoarding baby formula."
—Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation…
-
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 20, 2022
Note: If your life depends on C&J, we suggest you nibble on tonight’s edition very slowly. C&J will be off Monday because we’ve got our annual cottage-opening duties to tend to up north. Back on Tuesday with cottage-opening aches, pains, blisters, and splinter scars that, believe me, you’ll never hear the end of. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 7
Days 'til the Vista Strawberry Festival in California: 9
Percent drop in Covid-19 deaths from their high in January 2021: 94%
Percent of Americans who have a bachelor’s degree: 38%
Amount the New Mexico Catholic Archdiocese has to fork over to settle a bankruptcy case related to the clergy sex abuse scandal: $121.5 million
Years since Mount St. Helens erupted as of this week: 42
Number of shuttlecraft on the original Starship Enterprise: 4
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Mission accomplished…
-
CHEERS and JEERS to the week in review. Just a quick moment to take inventory of our universe as we prepare to pause for a weekend of equal parts wondering what to do with your weekend and wondering where the hell the weekend went:
» The Russo-Ukraine war ended another week with Putin fuming as Ukraine popped the tops off another brigade of Russia's treaded tin cans. Sweden and Finland are ready to support Zelenskyy's efforts just as soon as a lone holdout allows them to join the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. That lone holdout would be Turkey. Or as it's better known: the Joe Manchin of NATO.
» The Senate approved another $40 billion for Ukraine—both military and humanitarian relief, with an additional $150 to pay a guy to stuff aid obstructionist Rand Paul in a school locker.
» Republicans just loooooved being able to vote by mail in their various primary elections. The winners were generic MAGA clone, generic MAGA clone, and generic MAGA clone. The biggest loser was the generic MAGA clone who humped his male cousin but drew the line at participating in MAGA clone cocaine orgies.
» Democrat John Fetterman won his Senate primary in all of Pennsylvania's counties and will flip that red seat blue in November.
» The United States remains the world’s only form of government known as a gunocracy.
» Elon Musk OWNED THE LIBS OMG I'LL NEVER RECOVER!!!
» The salt monster almost killed Captain Kirk with its finger tentacles, but Dr. McCoy, making the toughest decision of his life because the monster was taking the form of his former flame, used a phaser to save the day while Spock just kind of stood there.
And for another week humanity retains its title as the undisputed heavyweight parasite of the world. Sorry, ticks, fleas, leeches, and lice. Sucks to be you.
CHEERS to cleaning up another fine mess. As if President Biden doesn’t have enough on his plate, now the entire country is unjustifiably mad at him because moms don’t have enough infant formula for their bottles. So here we go again—Mr. Fix-It to the rescue:
President Joe Biden is invoking the Defense Production Act to combat an ongoing shortage of baby formula, requiring companies to give supplies to formula manufacturers before any other customer, the White House announced Wednesday.
Biden is also launching what the administration is calling “Operation Fly Formula,” which authorizes Defense Department aircraft to pick up formula from overseas and bring it to the United States.
The two steps are the latest moves the White House is making to end a situation that worsened after a major baby formula manufacturer’s plant in Michigan issued a recall and was later shut down.
Meanwhile, 192 House Republicans voted NO on a bill authorizing $28 million to address the formula shortage. They’re just mad that babies other than them are stealing their spotlight.
JEERS to moving day in Dixie. Li'l Civil War nugget: on May 20, 1861, the Confederate Congress agreed to pack its bags and move the capital from Montgomery, Alabama to Richmond, Virginia. I believe a similar event would take place 51 years later with the deck chairs on the Titanic.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to jump-starting the jalopy. 121 years ago this week, the first auto repair shop opened in Boston. Followed soon after by the first auto repair bill-induced cardiac arrhythmia.
CHEERS to home vegetation. For my money the highlight of the weekend's TV schedule is the two part (tonight and tomorrow at 8) HBO documentary, produced by Judd Apatow, George Carlin's American Dream, with an all-star lineup that explores Carlin's evolution as a comedian and struggles with his personal life.
What else is on? The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL Stanley CVup playoff schedule is here, and the NBA semis schedule is here. The 147th Preakness Stakes is Saturday starting at 4ET on NBC, and includes 3 hours and 57 minutes of jibber jabber and 3 minutes of actual horsing around. Oh, and also the final rounds of the PGA Championship are tomorrow and Sunday on CBS.
Some notable season finales as we rush headlong toward summer. Natasha Lyonne (Orange is the New Black, Russian Doll) hosts the season finale of SNL. A visit from a magical singing janitor shakes up Springfield Sunday on The Simpsons. Peter attends a business conference in Atlantic City on Family Guy. And the winner of the latest season of American Idol is revealed Sunday night on ABC. (My money's on Skreetcho McFlatty.) Then Sunday night at 11 John Oliver puts us to bed with his dulcet tones on another fresh episode of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Former Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm. Mike Mullen; White House COVID-19 Response Coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha;
Face the Nation: Former SecDef Robert Gates; Sen. Rick Scott (The Cult-FL); Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Professor at Harvard Kennedy School Jason Furman.
CNN's State of the Union: National Economic Council Director Brian Deese; Gov. Asa Hutchinson (The Cult-AR).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Brian Deese; Least influential member of the Republican party Ronna McDaniel, head of the Republican National Committee.
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: May 20, 2012
JEERS to the return of the pest. James O'Keefe, aka the shock journalist preferred by people who found Andrew Breitbart's sleaze peddling too intellectual, is at it again. This time he tried to uncover a case of VOTER FRAUD!!! in North Carolina. As usual, he ended up not only not uncovering a case of VOTER FRAUD!!!, but in the process he managed to piss off the widow of O'Keefe's target, and she delivered a fitting response:
“If he were my son I would spank him.”
Get in line, ma'am.
-
And just one more…
JEERS to disappearing acts not involving trained magicians. Today is Endangered Species Day, which is billed as "an opportunity for people of all ages to learn about the importance of protecting endangered species." You can access the state-by-state list here via the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Here’s one of them, the bearded seal. Imagine our planet without the Mark Twain of the sea:
I'm proud to say I did my part to mark Endangered Species Day. I spent the afternoon giving sympathy hugs to Republicans with brain cells.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-