This is a personal diary. So, if you don’t like this kind of thing, please don’t read it. My husband died on July 3, 2020, and while I frequently write him letters, I didn’t realize that I would dream about Trump, Putin, the Ukraine War, and my husband.
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Dearest Bernie,
In the middle of last night, which is 21 months after your death, I awakened and was missing you so much [We were married for 40 years], but I suddenly realized that my longing for you (which I have worked hard to deal with, and I have been doing better) was reawakened and intertwined with my horror of the devastation and death caused by Vladimir Putin’s war against President Volodymyr Zelensky and the 43 million heroic, courageous, and indomitable Ukrainian people.
I was having this dream in which Putin’s and Trump’s wars against democracy were interwoven, and the trauma of what I saw brought back memories of our last months together. The headlines about Putin’s barbarism, his maniacal rants, and fantasy about “destroying Ukraine as a sovereign nation and restoring it as a vassal of historic Russia” is terrifying. But in my dream, it was no more crazy and malevolent than Trump’s coup during the January 6th Insurrection; his delight in fomenting so much violence and destruction; his lies, disinformation and propaganda; his rallying the lawless and anti-American segments of our population; his intent on destroying voting rights and the counting of votes; his constant attacks on democratic institutions; his character assassinations; and the subsequent behavior of the domestic terrorists from outside and within our government. It is clear to me that Putin’s and Trump’s goal is the same: To destroy democracy.
Honey, Putin, like his protégé Trump, started all this with a disinformation and propaganda campaign. Tucker Carlson is his primary dupe (I had no idea his show is rated number one in Russia), but Trump, Pompeo, and other Republicans participated until they got so much heat that some of them retreated and then tried to pretend they were somehow misunderstood. And suddenly, almost all the Congressional Republicans (aside from the very worst traitors in their midst) who voted against Trump’s first impeachment, and remained silent about Trump’s allegiance to Putin through- out his presidency and since then, are now rabidly anti-Russian and anti-Putin.
Perhaps it’s because the world watched in horror as Putin mobilized 150,000 Russian soldiers near the borders of Ukraine, and then unleashed tanks, artillery, and missiles, which have leveled cities, and caused untold wreckage, destruction, and deaths. But, the amazing thing in this David and Goliath story, is that President Zelensky has become an extraordinary leader who not only is inspiring the Ukrainian military, and civilians (to fight), but all of us who believe in democracy. Zelensky is physically leading the fight, and providing daily videos of atrocities as well as explaining this battle is not just about Ukraine, but about the threat to democracies everywhere, which you and I discussed in great detail.
And, it turns out that the big Russian military machine with all its weaponry is not only incompetent, but Russian soldiers who thought they were going on training exercises or a peacekeeping mission may not be interested in killing their fellow country-people. So, instead of a quick victory, and the installation of a puppet government, the fight has continued since February 24th, which has totally unhinged Putin and increased his barbarism. He not only targeted a nuclear power plant, but has been targeting civilians, and residential and commercial neighborhoods. All of us were stunned when he bombed a maternity hospital, and he is destroying everything in sight. There are parts of the country where people have no heat, no electricity, and no food or water, which is tragic and inhumane. The injuries, deaths, trauma, and pain and suffering is unbelievable. Three million people have left Ukraine, and are now refugees. But lots of men and women have stayed to fight.
Still, families have been divided. Some people had to leave parents and grandparents whom they couldn’t take because of mobility issues, and the footage of so many older people, women, and children having to walk miles, wait to find space on trains, and then wait at the border of Poland and other countries for hours has been traumatizing.
In this crush of humanity—which is so overwhelming—I thought of you after you’d started falling and later were diagnosed with Parkinson’s (in addition to your heart, kidney, and spinal issues, among other medical conditions). And, I realized that if we were living in Ukraine, it would be a nightmare to try and survive in a burned-out building (if we were’t killed by the blast and subsequent fires) because of all the medical equipment and medication you needed, and we would have to stay there and die together. This made me think of Ukrainians who are in this situation, and I started sobbing. Later, when I saw videos mostly of women leaving the country with their children, but not their husbands, I cried more because you and I were separated during your last hospitalization due to COVID (which you didn’t have) restrictions, and it was a nightmare from which I still am recovering. And, finally, seeing people leaving Ukraine with their dogs was the final straw because it reminded me of Jack [our beloved dog] who had congestive heart failure at the same time you did, and how devastated we were when he died. Then I thought about how lucky we were to find Winnie [our toy rescue dog] who kept me sane when you were so sick, and has been my savior since you passed. I realize that people who aren’t pet lovers won’t understand, but during your five-year health crisis and even during a war (and I can only imagine this), pets save lives and can make the unbearable bearable.
Anyway, I’m so sorry to be writing this letter to you, but I can’t keep it inside any longer. And, without you, I have no one to share this with. Sweetie, I miss you always, although I am learning to adjust to life without you. But, I didn’t realize until last night, that this war—which has been going on for about two weeks—has been bringing up all kinds of feelings I didn’t anticipate, and it has affected me more that I ever could have imagined. I love you my darling!