According to new reporting from The Guardian, Donald Trump is actually considering testifying before the Jan. 6 committee, because he apparently believes he can caterwaul his way through anything, having continually mistaken random loud noises for cogent reasoning in the past. Indeed, if he ultimately declines to testify, he may just send a three-hour recording of Bruce Vilanch getting bikini-waxed instead.
To call Trump a stream-of-consciousness speaker would be only partially accurate. Sewer-of-consciousness is more like it. Once the guy’s mouth starts moving, it’s anyone’s guess—including his—exactly where it’s going to drag his gossamer wisp of a brain. He may regale us with heartwarming stories about his visits to the St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital windmill cancer ward, or he might claim that God made him interim messiah while Jesus remains laser-focused on curing AIDS and bringing back the Choco Taco—not necessarily in that order.
So the idea that Trump might respond to the House Jan. 6 committee’s subpoena and actually testify feels a bit like Christmas morning, assuming you got bathtub DMT crystals as gifts instead of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.
The Guardian:
The driving factor pushing Trump to want to testify has centered around a reflexive belief that he can convince investigators that their own inquiry is a supposed witch-hunt and convince them that he committed no crimes over January 6, according to sources familiar with the matter.
Trump has previously expressed an eagerness to appear before the select committee and “get his pound of flesh” as long as he can appear live before an audience, the sources said – a thought he reiterated to close aides on Thursday after the panel voted to issue him a subpoena.
Holy fuck, would that be entertaining. And awful. And awfully entertaining. Much like watching Dr. Oz wax rhapsodic on the joys of drinking urine.
I digress.
But Trump also appears to have become more aware about the pitfalls of testifying in investigations, with lawyers warning him about mounting legal issues in criminal inquiries brought by the justice department and a civil lawsuit brought by the New York state attorney’s office.
Yeah, this could all be a perjury trap, which is a technical legal term that simply means “putting Donald Trump in front of a camera under oath until he tells a brazen lie or brutally strangles a page with his neck wattle, whichever comes first.”
Of course, while Trump is notorious for not paying his lawyers, he may now be even more renowned for not listening to them. After all, the guy self-incriminates more than Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz at an Orlando Chuck E. Cheese. Which is why Trump eventually agreed to take the Fifth more than 400 times earlier this year when questioned by New York Attorney General Letitia James.
That said, he may not be able to resist the chance to shriek incoherently at his bête noire, Wyoming Rep. Liz Cheney. According to The Guardian, one of Trump’s demands may be that he be allowed to testify live—you know, so he can get beyond the media filter and drill directly into our brains like an enervating parasite. Though it’s still unclear whether the committee would accept such terms, for fear that the hearings would turn into a circus. And not Cirque du Soleil, mind you. More like a drunk bear trying to ride a unicycle through a flaming hoop.
But while watching Trump attempt to keep his giant M.C. Escher mural of lies straight would be vastly entertaining, one can assume it will never happen. His lawyers may need to tranq him and chopper him out to sea like an unruly orca, but it’s hard to imagine they’d ever allow this. They’ll slow-walk it like it’s Trump in leather shoes on a shallow ramp. Because as the old saying goes, justice delayed is exactly how Donald Trump likes it.
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