A couple of days ago we looked at 50-60’s television through the pink-eyed vision1 of Der Space Kapitan GropingFury. We overlooked his cinematic ambitions. In his later life he achieved some deserved scorn for his wooden cameo in Home Alone, where he was cast to type as a New York real estate douche. He followed up with limp cameo portrayals, also cast to type, of a sleazy man about town in a couple of sort-core T&A extravaganzas.
Donnie has never been satisfied with being a mediocre version of his father. He’s always striven to take his mediocrity right down to the basement and become the absolute worst that he could be. Donnie will tell anyone willing to listen how he, “could’ve a been a star or a bartender or something. People are telling me: Sir, you should have been in the movies or maybe jail. I don’t remember.”
What would have happened had Donnie gone into film? First off, his father would have had to finance all the pictures, as we all know Donnie wouldn’t have made it on his own. What kind of movies would he have made?
Breathless — 45 minutes2 — Donnie tries to sing, Cry for Me Argentina from the White House balcony, but runs out of breath a couple of bars into his attempt.
All the President’s Flunkies and Lickspittles — 45 minutes — A modern day take on what would happen if the Watergate scandal unfolded under the watchful eye of Mitch McConnell.
Do the Wrong Thing — 45 minutes — A retrospective of every decision Donnie ever made.
Raging Bullshit — 45 minutes — Donnie complains about how he was conspired against by the other members of his high school class so that he always got the lowest scores, unless he paid someone to to the work for him.
Apocalypse Now — 45 minutes — Donnie plays the president of the US and screws everything up. (Based on a true story).
Taxi Flagger — 45 minutes — Follow Donnie around Manhattan as he makes payoffs to various corrupt officials to overlook his building code violations.
Shafted — 45 minutes — Donald, in blackface, negotiates to have prostitutes spank him with rolled up photos of Richard Roundtree.
His Girls Friday — 45 minutes — Donnie runs a modelling agency and abuses the staff.
In the Mood to Pay for Love — 45 minutes — Donald wanders the red light district looking for someone who will take his money.
The Texas Coronavirus Massacre — 45 minutes — At Donnie’s urging the Texas governor unleashes a plague on his citizens.
Eternal Darkness of the Useless Mind — 45 minutes — A deep psychological study of a very shallow mind.
Alien Ban — 45 minutes — Follow along as Donnie flouts the Constitution, US laws and various international treaties.
Touch of Evil — 45 hours — Donnie is deposed by all the women who have accused him of assault.
Enemy of the State — 45 minutes — Donnie’s self-portrait in film.
Raiders of the Federal Treasury — 45 minutes — Watch Donnie and his friends steal billions in the greatest heist of all time. The sequel, Donnie Doin’ Time, is due in late 2021.
Space Captain Donald Armsweak Clusterphuk at the Battle of Little Tinyhands — 45 minutes — Donald attempts and fails to open various jars of pickles, tomato sauce and peanut butter but fails because of inability to get his stubby fingers all the way around the lids.
1Pink-eye is sometimes a symptom of COVID-19. We think it is masking his normal jaundiced vision. Do not be surprised if you see orange-eye tomorrow as he continues to widen the coverup of his actual health status.
2Donald is incapable of maintaining interest in anything, except for Donald, for more than 45 minutes. Many of these films and his other projects are unfinished because of this debilitatiing quirk of personality.
A Question for the Ages: Donald tRump, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, William Barr, Charles Koch, Sheldon Adelson and Stephen Miller are accidentally stranded on a desert island. There is only enough food to sustain one of them. Who survives? — The United States of America
Sic semper tyrannis
GOTMFV
Up the Resistance!
Music for Resisting
Memaliciousness
Ad(s) of the Day (I guess we should call it the Friday ad dump)
Olbermann: The Worst Person in the World
I don’t think Keith has a very high opinion of William Pelham Barr
Evening Shade appears every evening at 7:30PM Eastern (unless I get lazy or distracted).