A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are mourning is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
Brew yourself a pot of coffee, and place a good book at your computer desk to read while you wait, or click back and forth between this diary and other fine Daily Kos diaries while you wait.
Because I am clicking on publish now, at about 9 pm central daylight time, and then I am starting the body of the diary.
If you must go to bed early, then pleasant dreams. You can always check me later, by going to this link to all previous Grieving Room diaries.
My wife died, after 30 years of marriage, a year ago last Wednesday, 3/11/08. When I wrote a diary about it, it got on the rec list.
So now, a year later, I am eager to tell you how I am doing, after visiting my wife's grave, on the one year anniversary of her death.
In short, I am doing well.
I did cry at her grave. But I feel good when I am crying about my wife. We became such close friends, doing so much together for thirty years. Now that I have lost my friend, I cry a little now and then. And it actually feels good, to cry about her.
I have more details about my visit, and I have some sad news about a very new member of my wife's family, the child of a nephew, who just died today. But I want to click on publish now, and add a tip jar, and then add more details about my trip to Hays, Kansas.
I met Pam soon after I came to Hays from Salina. By the way, in Salina, from 1965 to 1972, our family lived less than a block away from a governor and an astronaut. Governor Bill Graves, the governor just before Kathleen Sebelius, our newly appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services. And astronaut Steve Hawley. I would provide links, but this is going a little off on a tangent. I only mention it because it makes me feel as if I am similar to the fictional Forrest Gump, in that I have had contact with some famous people. I have other connections with the famous, but enough of that for now.
So, in the summer of 1972, our family moved from Salina, Kansas to Hays, Kansas. A little history is in order at this point:
Between August of 1867 and December of 1873 there wer over 30 homicides in and around Hays. ...The original Boot Hill was located in Hays, not Dodge City....
Well, my wife, Pam, was born and raised in Hays Kansas. And she is buried there.
My wife was one of the Volga Germans.
Hays City gradually quieted down, and began serving as a point of arrival for immigrants, most notably those from the Volga region of Russia.
These people, my wife's ancestors, had moved from Germany to Russia about 200 years ago, and then from Russia to Ellis County, Kansas, in the 1870's. Hays was and is the biggest town in Ellis County
I hope some of you are continuing to check back for these updates. I am just now getting to the heart of the diary, you could say.
By the way, did you notice the little slip, where I wrote that my wife is one of the Volga Germans. Not was. You can see from that little slip, how much my wife is with me, all the time. I do not believe in life after death, but I know she lives in my memory, and I keep a picture of her in my wallet. In all the thirty years we were married and she was alive, I never kept a picture of her in my wallet. Now I do. I feel she is dead and gone, yet I keep her in my memory, and in my pocket. That is how I feel.
All of Tuesday, 3/10, and part of Wednesday, 3/11, I was in Hays, Kansas, and I was immersed in my history, my memories of my years in Hays Kansas. I was immersed in Hays Kansas. That is why I made that the title of this diary.
Monday night, starting at 2am tuesday morning, and tuesday night, I stayed at the Holiday Inn of Hays, just recently made into a Ramada.
I tried to give you a link to the website of Ramada, which would show you a picture of the hotel, but the page failed to load. The reason that hotel is an important part of this diary, is that I worked at that hotel, vacuuming the lobby with an old Kirby vacuum, and cleaning the lobby restrooms, and the restrooms by the jaccuzzi, and the restrooms by the banquet rooms, and the restrooms by the other banquet rooms, and the restrooms at the hotel next door, which was owned by the same owner. I did that job for seven years, altogether, in the 80's, while my wife and I were newlyweds. So, staying at that hotel made me feel very much immersed in my past, immersed in my seventeen years I lived in Hays, from the age of 17 to the age of 34.
Back in late 1972 or early 1973, soon after I met my wife, Pam who was born with muscular dystrophy, I also met her cousin, Carrie, who was born with cerebral palsy. They were roomates in a nursing home for about five years. At that time, I lived across the street from that nursing home. For about the first six months of that time, my father was the administrator of that nursing home.
Do you begin to see how much of my personal history is wrapped up in Hays, Kansas?
Anyway, from 1973 until 1977, Pam was my girlfriend and fiance, and Carrie was a friend. And after Pam and I were married, about once a year, the three of us would take a trip in Pam's van to Wichita, where I live now, to shop at one of the big shopping malls, Towne East or Towne West. I served as personal care attendant for both women, changing their clothing and their diapers, during the trip. I remember pushing one wheelchair in front of me, and dragging the other behind. I was young and full of energy.
I am writing this update between 11:20 and 11:30.
In June of 2003, when I was told that Pam was dying, Carrie had just lost a Fiance, named Bob. Bob was dead, Pam was dying, and Carrie travelled from Hays to Wichita, and visited Pam in the intensive care unit. Afterwards, Carrrie and I found comfort in each others arms.
Pam did not die in 2003. She lived until 2008, as stated above. But during those years, I would call Carrie, and she would come top visit once or twice a year. Carrie gave me a way to make the transition from Pam to Beverly, my current girlfriend, who lives next door. Beverly just called me a minute ago, by the way.
During those years, Pam knew I was calling Carrie, and spending a little time with her. Pam was very old fashioned about it. By that I mean she hated it. She was angry with me, and angry with Carrie. But I felt I neede a friend to talk to, and when Pam got a cold or flu in those years, she was in ICU, and sometimes her brain would malfunction, from a build up of carbon dioxode in her system. So, I was losing my closest friend, Pam, gradually. I needed someone to talk to about that. I needed Carrie.
Carrie is still alive, and she lives in Hays. So, when I visit Hays, I visit Carrie.
For this trip, Carrie told me on the phone, a week before my trip, that she wanted to dress up in a party dress, like a prom gown. So, she did, and I bought her a low cost necklace and earring set to go with it. But our night out got started late. The only people who saw us dressed up was the server at the Village Inn restaurant. We had a nice meal, and went to my hotel room.
Carrie had made a big deal about me getting a room with a hot tub in the room. So, I did. I brought more than a dozen candles, and I lit the candles, and placed them along the back edge of the hot tub. Then Carrie said, maybe we should have sex first, and use the hot tub later.
During the last ten years of Pam's life, she weighed more than 200 pounds. In our newlywed years, back in the late 70's and early 80's, Pam weighed about 100 pounds. So, in those early years, I often gave her a bath in a bathtub. She loved that. But in the later years, it was not practical, even with another strong man to help me. So, that was in the back of my mind as I was with Carrie in the hotel room, with the candles burning along the back of the hot tub, and the lights out. Carrie only weighs about 120 pounds, so I thought I could lift her into and out of the hot tub by myself.
Carrie and I had some fun in the bed. Not exactly regular sex, but some fun, as best we could that night. Then she became sleepy, and I was tired. So, I blew out the candles and we simply went to sleep. No hot tub.
Okay, it is almost midnight. I will now finish the story of my trip to Hays, and tell you of the baby that died about 11 hours ago.
When I woke up, I got Carrie dressed, and put her in her power wheelchair. The top I put on her was one I had bought for her, last April, just after Pam died. I was desperate to make a strong connection with Carrie at that time. I bought her a summer outfit, a peach colored top, and demin shorts. So, that is the top I put on her, an emotional connection to last year.
I got Carrie's van loaded, with my stuff and hers, and went to her place. I had to call her worker to come take over the tasks of taking care of her. I said some goodbyes, and headed to the cemetery.
My in-laws bought a big tombstone, with my last name on both sides, of course. On the front, below my last name, on the left, is my first name, and my date of birth. In the middle is our wedding date, October 29, 1977. On the right is Pamela Sue, with her maiden name, Weigel, in parentheses. And her birth date, and her death date, March 11, 2008.
There was dirt on the grave, with big dirt clods in the dirt. I was so ignorant about cemeteries that I actually thought that was the loose dirt from a year ago. My mother-in-law explained to me later that the soil above the graves settles with rain and time, and they put more dirt on the graves, so that the ground will be level, when it stops settling. But the dirt made me think about the way that Pam always wanted us to buy a house. We never did. But if we had ever bought a house, I would never let the yard have big dirt clods in it. I would break up the clods, and plant shrubbery, and cover the gaps between the shrubs with cedar mulch. And I would have wide walkways, where Pam would roll her wheelchair around the yard, and look at the shrubs. That is a dream that never came true. That is the thought that made me cry at my wife's grave, and it is the thought that is making me cry right now, as I type this. I tried to give her everything I could. But, just like the idea of putting the pretty Carrie in the hot tub the night before, I am always limited by my limitations. I am not superman. I could only do what I could do.
Okay, well after midnight. Last update.
My wifes oldest sister, Sandy has two sons, Eric and Matt. Matt has a girlfriend, named Hillary. In recent months, Hillary got pregnant by Matt. About a week ago, very much premature, Hillary's water broke, and she gave birth to a preemie. This was in Hays, and the baby was flown to Wichita, where they have the facility to care for preemies.
The baby weighed over two pounds, and, although I am not a doctor, that sounded fairly large for a preemie. And the baby seemed to be fighting to live. But Moday, at about 1 pm, the baby died.
My mother-in-law called me. She said she was at Sandy's house, so she would not be alone, grieving the death of her grandson. And that would be my mother-in-law's great-grandson.
My wife's other sister, Shelly, was at the hospital with Matt and Hillary, the parents. I called Shelly, to give them all my emotional support.
I am glad my in-laws still consider me a part of the family. My own parents are dead and gone, and I have not been diligent about contacting my siblings on a regular basis. So, it is good to have some kind of family connection to Pam, and to Hays, Kansas.