I have a plan that’s so crazy it just might work. I call it “The Emperor’s New Wall.” We’ll need about 10,000 mimes. Thanks to my sister for giving me the seed for this idea.
First, we tell Trump that his wall has been built overnight while he was asleep. By magic! Or maybe by some high-tech scientific method. Wait a minute. He doesn’t always believe in science. We should use the magic angle. He’ll go for that.
Next, we fly him down to the border to show him the wall. In the meantime, we hire tens of thousands of mimes. Mimes are always unemployed, so they’ll be happy to work cheap. Hell, let’s pay them ten times the minimum wage and put them up in a hotel for a few days with free food and free beer – whatever it costs will be much cheaper than five billion.
When Trump arrives at the border, he sees mimes doing that invisible wall thing with their hands. Maybe we could get a few of them to run to the wall and then fall down. We should also get some Mexican mimes to fall down on the other side. Then the Mexicans say, “Ay caramba, I’ll never try to cross the border again.” In Spanish. Someone would have to translate for Trump and then explain it. And then explain it again when he’s paying attention.
If Trump suspects they’re mimes, someone could point out that mimes don’t talk and the Mexicans did shout something, and therefore they couldn’t possibly be mimes. We’ll have to find some mimes who know how to talk.
If Trump says he can’t see the invisible wall, we tell him it’s based on the science behind a stealth airplane. Oops! I forgot we can’t use science. We’ll tell him it’s an invisibility spell from the third Harry Potter book. Trump can’t read, so he’ll pretend that he understands. Or maybe we tell him it’s from Bewitched.
Then the President goes back to Washington, DC, and signs a bill to re-open the government. This plan only works if we all keep our mouths shut. Mum’s the word. I’m in. Who else is with me?