From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Headlines You Won't Read Today
Quiet, uneventful day ahead for planet
In exclusive agreement, book by controversial Democratic campaign operative questioning ethical practices of Republican presidential candidate scores weeks of extra publicity in the name of "fact checking" by The New York Times, The Washington Post and ABC News
Bernie Sanders stops making sense
Conservatives maintain grip on power in Alberta
Senator Tom Cotton wakes up with world peace on his mind
Republican budget most likely to benefit poor, middle class
Bill O'Reilly reports from war zone
Humans credited with comeback of large herbivore mammals
Hedge fund managers jumping out of windows over "paltry" $11bn earnings
Aaron Schock posts selfie on Instagram from exotic location
Astronaut says view from International Space Station is overrated
Sunday morning shows now favoring liberal guests over conservatives
Holy #$&!@!! Obama invading Texas after all!!!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Note: Eyewitness News interviews undercover operative who blew the lid on a hazelnut mob extortion ring. Filbert at 11.
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10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til David Letterman's last show:
2
Days 'til the
Charlotte Dragon Boat Festival:
10
Increase in factory orders in March, the first rise since last July:
2.1%
(Source: Commerce Dept.)
Age of Samuel Steinmann, the last surviving Norwegian Auschwitz survivor, when he died Friday:
91
Number of 2,000-word columns written in 1865 and 1866 by Mark Twain in San Francisco for the
Territorial Enterprise newspaper that have been
pieced together by UC Berkeley scholars:
110
Amount NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio is putting up for low-cost universal broadband:
$70 million
(Source: FiveThirtyEight)
Number of sad faces at
carlyfiorina.org:
30,000
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 4 false prophets and 1 fireball from space caused by gay marriage). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Dry…and wet!
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CHEERS to Elmer Gantry on the campaign trail. On the heels of the Fiorina and Carson juggernauts comes the 2016 Holy Roller Express. Yes, God Himself has joined the presidential race in the U.S. of A, taking on the human form of a skeevy grifterman named Michael Dale Huckabee. Being a Republican, he naturally started his campaign off the traditional way by unveiling a clunky slogan:
With a campaign theme of, “Hope to Higher Ground,” former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee announced his second campaign for president Tuesday in the hometown he shares with former President Bill Clinton. … “It seems perfectly fitting that it would be here that I announce that I am a candidate for the United States of America,” he said. “I always believed that a kid could go from hope to higher ground,” he said. … we need the kind of change that really could get America from hope to higher ground.”
Yes. Just the kind of image you want to see in your mind's eye from a climate-change denier: ocean-front property in Arkansas.
JEERS to NASA. Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo, and all day long I kept
hearing these admonishments about how we need to ditch all the embarrassing Mexican stereotypes that we trot out every year in this country. Like their clothing, their hats, their drinking habits, their language, even their customs. After all that education, what does NASA do? They callously publish totally stereotypical photos of Mexico from the International Space Station:
I'm surprised they didn’t photoshop sombreros on 'em.
CHEERS to a helluva deal steal. 389 years ago, on May 6, 1626, Manhattan was purchased from Native Americans for around $24 in beads, trinkets and wampum. Or in today's terms: A medium espresso. Or funding for 1/1000th of a second at a private college. Or the amount of money Republicans would like to put into alternative energy. Or the number of singles a Koch brother rolls up and uses to light his cigars. Or... Well, let's just say really cheap.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Tony Perkins of the conservative Family Research Council hate group asks: Ben Carson is an amazing physician---but can he fix what's ailing America?
No.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to lime, tangerine, strawberry, blueberry and grape. The
new iMac 'puter machine---in blue originally but then expanded to four other "flavors"---was unveiled 17 years ago. Said CNET News at the time:
Apple's first brand new Macintosh consumer system in over a year is different from previous Apple offerings--and its PC rivals--in that it will offer lots of built-in features at a low price. The iMac will come with a 233-MHz PowerPC processor, a 4GB hard drive, built-in networking, an internal modem, and a CD-ROM drive for $1,299, among other features.
Not to be outdone, PCs now come in a variety of cool and crazy colors, too: beige, black and gray. Mine is both black
and gray with some silver around the edges. What can I say? I'm a rebel.
JEERS to jumping the Stetson-wearing shark. Y'know, for the briefest of moments there was a teeny bit of tension---suspense, even---as the racist conspiracy nuts in Texas stared down the U.S. military and accused it of planning to invade the ex-republic and collect all the gun owners' precious bodily fluids. (Which, if you're interested in knowing, will be infused with liberal hippie peacenik DNA and returned to their respective hosts.) But now, thanks to one man, it's become a bona fide carnival. I'm speaking, of course, of the congressman who looks like he's wearing grey earmuffs that are too small for his head:
Tea party darling Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) on Tuesday demanded that the U.S. military alter a planned training exercise that some conspiracy theorists believe is cover for a possible takeover of the Lone Star state.
Gohmert said in a statement that he understands Texans' concerns that the exercise, dubbed "Jade Helm 15," may be a precursor for martial law. He directed his criticism specifically at what has been reported to be a map of the training exercise, which labels Texas, among other states, as "hostile" territory. … The congressman urged the military to alter the tone of the training exercise and draw up a new map so as to dispel any notion that the federal government is "intentionally practicing war" against particular states.
I think there's a simple solution to all of this. You want the military out of Texas, crazies? Fine. We'll remove all the military stations, redeploy our troops outta there, and relieve you of the burden of having to accept so much as a nickel in new Defense money. Or you could just shut your pie holes and let our troops play a few days of Capture the Flag. Because the only revolutions you'll be seeing are the ones at the Laundromat as your stretchy pants do loop-de-loops in the dryer.
JEERS to incorrigible dirigibles. The "Hindenburg" airship caught fire and crashed 78 years ago today---May 6, 1937---in Lakehurst, New Jersey. Herb Morrison's anguished broadcast is as riveting now as it was then. Sadly a similar tragedy occurred several years later during the Thanksgiving Day Turkey Drop over Cincinnati.
Oh the humanity, indeed.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 6, 2005
JEERS to the separation of judge and brain. In an apparent violation of the first amendment, a Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that a county in Virginia can prohibit a Wiccan from giving an invocation at Board of Supervisors meetings because, well, it's just not Judeo-Christian enough. The full 4th Circuit Court may hear an appeal from Cynthia Simpson. If she sinks, they'll give her a thumbs-up.
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And just one more…
JEERS to HELLO URGENT MESSAGE KIND MADAM 7PLEASE RLPY V&i*GR#A HOT SEXY LOVER NEED ASSISTANCE!! We can't let May go by without acknowledging the 34th anniversary of spam. It had a fascinating beginning. Via Geekosystem, here's how it started back in 1978:
In our dreams, anyway.
Gary Thuerk, a marketer for the Digital Equipment Corporation, blasted out his message to 400 of the 2600 people on ARPAnet, the DARPA-funded so-called “first Internet.” Naturally: He was selling something. (Computers, or more specifically, information about open houses where people could check out the computers.) He annoyed a lot of people. And he also had some success, with a few recipients interested in what he was pushing. And thus, spam was born.
Aren't we lucky. Now if you'll excuse me, I just got an email I have to attend to from "Íâó¾Àí/½ø³ö¿Ú¾Àí " with the subject line "|Íâó½Óµ¥Ó뺣Í⩵ ¥»ñÈ¡²ßÂÔ|" It might be news from my favorite Nigerian finance minister. Or his widow.
Oh, and congratulations to the new left-centered government in Alberta, Canada. I don't know how you celebrate election victories up there, so I'll just say: Celine Dion tickets for everybody! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I'm probably never going to be a C&J kiddie pool splasher because I'm not a C&J kiddie pool splasher. I don't want to be a C&J kiddie pool splasher."
---Dr. Ben Carson
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