Late Night Snark: Verbal Pickleball Edition
“Donald Trump lost two debates to me in 2020, and since then he hasn’t shown up for a debate. Now he’s acting like he wants to debate me again. Well, make my day, pal. I’ll even do it twice. So let’s pick the dates, Donald. I hear you’re free on Wednesdays.”
—President Joe Biden
"Biden had some conditions in being willing to debate, saying he wanted no audience and that it should occur inside a TV studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a speaker's time limit elapses. Imagine Trump with his mic cut—he's gonna look like the world's angriest mime."
—Stephen Colbert
"Michael Cohen testified that Donald Trump once asked him how long he'd be single if Melania were to leave him and he said: 'How long do you think I'd be on the market for? Not long.' On the market? You're a 78-year-old psychopath with massive debt. That's not a market—that's a Lost and Found bin."
—Seth Meyers
"Stormy Daniels was accused by Trump's lawyers of lying about their affair for profit, which would make her the only person to do business with Trump and make money."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Kristi Noem cut short her book tour, allowing her more time at home, which should be of concern to any of her remaining pets."
—John Oliver
"Boeing announced that its first crewed space launch has been delayed again due to a helium leak in the spacecraft. Helium. It's not every day Party City gets a call from NASA."
—Jimmy Fallon
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 17, 2024
Note: Some see their glass as half empty. Some see their glass as half full. I see the Virgin Mary in a Bacardi smudge halfway up my glass. Hello, eBay!
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 1
Days 'til the Garden Grove Strawberry Festival in California: 7
Drop in grocery prices from March to April: 0.2%
Drop in the price of eggs and fresh fruits/vegetable, respectively: 7.3%, 1.1%
Price of a dose of over-the counter overdose-reversal drug Narcan when it starts selling at Walgreens this fall: $34.99
Dates of the Biden-Trump debates, assuming Trump doesn’t wuss out or end up in jail: 6/27/24 & 9/10/24
Number of shuttlecraft on the original Starship Enterprise: 4
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to today's little checkup on a big mouth. Since the previous U.S. president is the greatest fortune teller in the history of our nation (including the time of Lincoln, even with the hat), let's rewind the clock by four years and see what kind of shape the stock market is supposed to be by now:
“If you want your 401k’s and stocks, which are getting closer to an all time high (NASDAQ is already there), to disintegrate and disappear, vote for the Radical Left Do Nothing Democrats and Corrupt Joe Biden.” —Trump
Oh noes! Quick—let's check the smoldering remains of our 401k's and stocks as we head into a weekend of hopelessness, pennilessness, and despair:
The Dow broke past the 40,000 threshold Thursday morning for the first time ever, fueled by an encouraging inflation report.
Oh. Never mind. The shopping spree at Saks is still a go.
CHEERS to throwing democracy a couple bones to keep us happy. Oh, fear not, they'll continue dismantling all that we hold dear in this country. All in good time. But to keep the rabble at bay, the Supreme Court actually made a couple decisions this week that were on the right side of history:
» The Court ordered Louisiana to hold congressional elections in 2024 using a House map with a second mostly Black district, potentially boosting Democrats’ chances of winning back the House in 2024.
» The court on a 7-2 vote ruled that the funding structure of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, which allows the agency to be funded directly by the Federal Reserve, is constitutionally sound. In doing so, the court rejected claims brought by two trade groups representing lenders, which argued that the agency had to be funded by annual appropriations approved by Congress.
No decision by the Mad 6 yet on whether TFG has "absolute immunity" or not. Still busy wiping their thumbprints off the scale of justice, I presume.
CHEERS to today's Kum By Yah Moment. Speaking of SCOTUS, 70 years ago the U.S. Supreme Court handed down its 9-0 opinion in Brown vs. Board of Education, ending racial segregation in public schools:
The U.S. Supreme Court decision in Brown v. Board of Education (1954) is one of the most pivotal opinions ever rendered by that body. This landmark decision highlights the U.S. Supreme Court’s role in affecting changes in national and social policy. […]
In December, 1952, the U.S. Supreme Court had on its docket cases from Kansas, Delaware, the District of Columbia, South Carolina, and Virginia, all of which challenged the constitutionality of racial segregation in public schools.
The U.S. Supreme Court had consolidated these five cases under one name, Oliver Brown et al. v. the Board of Education of Topeka. One of the justices later explained that the U.S. Supreme Court felt it was better to have representative cases from different parts of the country. They decided to put Brown first “so that the whole question would not smack of being a purely Southern one.”
I'd like to say it was smooth sailing ever since, but unfortunately today we're dealing with a problem just as bad: Republicans vs. all the Boards of Education.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia 2024. Since our previous president had no intention of devoting even a millisecond to this occasion, it's a little jarring to come face to face with a reminder of what it looks like when a compassionate, equality-minded grownup occupies the most powerful office in the world:
One smart thing the Obama administration did was release this 2015 White House fact sheet on actions taken by the Executive Branch on behalf of the LGBTQ community. The Trumpbots wasted no time trying to un-do as many of them as they could, but at least we had a blueprint for un-un-doing it, and Joe Biden's doing his best. Just don't forget to turn on the right lights in 15 days when Pride Month starts, Mr. President...
Hell, they look so purty you should just leave ‘em on all the time.
CHEERS to home vegetation.
Ahh… A nice quiet evening with my homies in C&J and the comforting flicker of the teevee. I’ll be live-tweeting the classic Star Trek episode “That Which Survives” (H&I Network, 8pm) using hashtag #allstartrek. The Jeopardy! Masters Championship at 8 on ABC. Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin talks about her new book An Unfinished Love Story: A Personal History of the 1960s on Firing Line (PBS) at 8:30.
What else is on? The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL Stanley Cup playoff schedule is here, the NBA semis schedule is here, and WNBA schedule is here. The 149th Preakness Stakes is tomorrow starting at 4:30 ET on NBC, and includes 2 hours and 57 minutes of jibber jabber and 3 minutes of actual horsing around. Oh, and also the final rounds of the PGA Championship are tomorrow and Sunday on CBS. Jake Gyllenhaal hosts SNL.
On the season finale of 60 Minutes: an interview with Pope Frank and a report on Cuban spies in the U.S. Then Bart makes a friend on the season finale of The Simpsons. And the winner of the latest season of American Idol is revealed Sunday night on ABC. (My money's on Skreetcho McFlatty.) And Sunday night at 11 John Oliver delivers a report on why public libraries are under attack on HBO’s Last Week Tonight. After that please join us in front of our house as we head to the neighborhood next door and toilet-paper the Johnsons’ dogwoods.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Gov. Wes Moore (D-MD); Senator Little Marco (MAGA Cult-FL); Olympic gold-medal swimmer Michael Phelps.
This Week: Senator Chris Van Hollen (D-MD); Former Under Secretary of State for Political Affairs Victoria Nuland; Mike Pence’s former press secretary Marc Lotter.
Face the Nation: Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates; Idiot Who Stumbled Into The Senate J.D. Vance (MAGA Cult-OH); Ambassador Oksana Markarova of Ukraine.
CNN's State of the Union: Senator John Fetterman (D-PA); Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-TX); brain surgeon-turned-blithering idiot Ben Carson.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Reps. Jake Auchinkloss (D-MA) and Elise Stefanik (MAGA Cult-NY); Trump attorney Will Scharf.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 17, 2014
JEERS to a sudden lurch to the right. Over in India 551 million (not a typo) people voted to, essentially, throw the bums out and pick a leader from the other team. Narendra Modi seems to possess the tech-savvy and populist characteristics of the Obama machine, the conservative trickle-down fervor of the Reagan machine, and a penchant for discrimination based on religion. For now, though, after indicating their choice via a landslide of epic proportions that leaves no doubt about the voters' preference whatsoever, the Indian people are very happy. But not nearly as happy as Rakesh the recount guy.
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And just one more…
JEERS to disappearing acts not involving trained magicians. Today is Endangered Species Day, which is billed as "an opportunity for people of all ages to learn about the importance of protecting endangered species." You can access the state-by-state list here via the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Here’s one of them, the bearded seal. Imagine our planet without the Mark Twain of the sea:
I'm proud to say I did my part to mark Endangered Species Day. I spent the afternoon giving sympathy hugs to Republicans with brain cells.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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