(API) Breaking: Arizona Recount Calls on MIT for Metallurgical Forensics
Recount leader “Cyber Ninjas” has confirmed that due to rumors on an illegal MP3-sharing Azerbijani dark web site discovered by teenagers in Tallahassee linked to American SBA officials in 1993 who apparently encoded instructions in Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, and Mötorhead mp3-rips previously shared on Napster, they have undertaken a new turn in validating the millions of ballots. “Heavy Metals” are the problem apparently, and Cyber Ninjas has reached out to MIT to garner support for mass spectrographic testing of ballot fragments for Uraniun, Thorium, Copper, chromium, Gold, Iron, Nickel, and Titanium.
When asked why, Dilbert McDilbo, Cyber Ninja CEO stated “we have unequivocal evidence that tampered ballots came from several sources, including Kazakshstan, India, Chile, South Africa, Austalia, Indonesia, and possibly Brazil. We are performing due-diligence to assess whether or not there are trace heavy-metal residues on the ballots from these known world sources of certain Heavy Metals.
After abandoning what some say is the entirely ludicrous rumor of bamboo fibers originating in Maoist enclaves operating under the guise of a South Korean Chaebol, they have asserted that the presence of possibly encoded instructions in ripped Heavy-Metal MP3 from 1993 Napster is convincing evidence of tampering.
“It’s the perfect alibi,” Dilbert huffed, putting down a ziplock bag full of gasoline. “All you need to say is ‘It’s not Heavy Metals, it’s Heavy Metal’ as though that would be able to divert our vigilance.
Republican Lawmakers have applauded the new direction, momentarily putting down their ziplock bags full of gasoline, and gasping for air, re-iterated their concerns and focus on getting to the bottom of why Trump wasn’t elected in their districts.
Slightly purple-faced Arizona Republican chairman Berry “Lungful” Lugee wiped his sweaty lips, and said “We know what the outcome is. We know MIT can help us with mass spectrography that will support our claims which will prove…”
Berry Lugee unfortunately fell over with catastrophic muscle tremor, and memory issues. When asked to finish his quote, the emergency squad noted that “On drugs, his attention, memory, and problem-solving” skills had been significantly compromised, and they doubt he would remember what he had done five minutes prior.
Watch this space for the ongoing breaking story.
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