The Colorado State Open Thread is a weekly column for people interested in our square(ish) state. Usually I try and provide a mixture of topics, but today I’m going to focus on one topic that has been my principle focus for nearly 19 years.
Debra Triolo was a nurse at a Kaiser office facility when I was working as a tech support contractor there. She was on a team of transfer nurses who would figure out how to get Kaiser members to the nearest Kaiser facility if they fell ill and needed hospital care where Kaiser didn’t have a care facility. This might mean they needed to get to another state or, in some cases, she had to arrange for international transport, usually through an air ambulance. A few years before, my father needed air transport when he fell ill with pancreatitis in Colorado and needed to get home to the University of Kansas med center in Kansas City, so I knew some of the issues Deb was solving and the things she had to do for the families of these patients. We talked frequently while I was working on tech issues (and other times when I could just stop by) and eventually Deb’s co-workers finally got the twice-divorced and happily single woman to ask me out.
It worked, we started dating, and eventually the relationship deepened. Our dogs pulled us together. We had talked even before dating about her interest in cats, but I was not really fond of them. One of her friends came to her to request a favor. The friend’s backyard bordered a house where they had just adopted a Bichon Frise puppy, but she said they were badly abusing this little pup — they kept it in a small corral in the kitchen so that it wouldn’t pea in the house and the boys in the house were treating the dog like a football, even punting it. Yes, kicking it in the air. The friend asked Deb to come take a look at this poor dog and see if she might be willing to adopt it. Well, when Deb had this puppy placed in her arms, there was no way she was going to relinquish it for further abuse. The owners wanted over $1000 for this puppy they were abusing because it had championship papers, but Deb and her friend threatened to contact the ASPCA unless the dog was relinquished then and there at no charge. So, Deb now had Jack, who had a hernia and other internal injuries that needed healing. Jack had found his heroine. Jack never warmed up to men in general, but when I first came over to meet him, I was gentle and he eventually let me pet him.
That was when Deb said she started to love me — when I demonstrated to Jack that I was worthy. I had two Basset hounds at the time, and one of them, Missy, fell ill with cancer that had spread throughout her body (this was a week after she received a “healthy” review at her annual physical). Missy went downhill fast, and it was during this time that Deb helped me through the terminal illness of my dear sweet family member, in the same way she had helped families of patients accept and deal with the loss of a loved human member of the family. This was how I came to realize that Deb was truly special and I didn’t want to lose her from my life.
When I finally proposed to Deb, I screwed it up. For more on that story, you can read this diary.
We had a small wedding in the central courtyard of my Unitarian church, followed by a brunch at the Briarwood Inn. The honeymoon was up in Estes Park (where else?).
One more story — while we were still dating, I talked about all the international travel I had done. Deb had only been on one Caribbean cruise and she enjoyed it, but had never again been off North America (she had spent part of her years growing up as a child with relatives in Nova Scotia). One birthday, I gave her a check for $92. She was confused at the odd amount. I explained to her that it was the cost of a US Passport. I gave her the world for a present. We later would take multiple trips to Europe, including river and Mediterranean cruises, to Mexico, back to Canada to see her uncle and numerous trips around the US. She had many additional trips she wanted to take, but alas she wouldn’t have the chance.
Over the nearly 14 years of our marriage, we started to have some issues as many couples do. We were not very good at communicating with each other, we were stubborn and unwilling to change some things to make the marriage work, and recently she had been preparing for a new place to live and we were headed for a divorce. I’d love to say that the marriage was all sweetness and light, but unfortunately it wasn’t. I mentally prepared myself for living apart from her, and I suppose she did the same, but those plans wouldn’t happen. Last Thursday evening, while enjoying a relatively good night with Deb, watching a show we both enjoy, I heard loud snores from her. These weren’t the usual heavy breathing like she would do if she fell asleep, but deep snores and snorts. I woke her up and she said she had passed out. She asked for a cold cloth for her face. By the time I returned, she had fallen unconscious again and I tried but I could not wake her up. I called 911 and checked for a pulse and breathing, but found nothing. I laid her on the floor as the operator instructed and performed chest compressions while waiting for EMS, but was not able to get any response from her. Our Cocker spaniel Ginger did what she could with Deb by licking her face, and I let her because that, too, might wake Deb up. But no response. Eventually EMS arrived and took over. I informed them that Deb had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order in place because as a nurse she had seen people with their lives prolonged in horrific conditions with tubes sticking out of multiple locations and Deb had never wanted that. While looking for a document stating “DNR”, they did hook up a portable defibrillator and I heard it count down and shock her, but they couldn’t detect any electrical activity. At that point, they accepted my statement about the DNR, even without documentation, and they ceased trying to revive her. She was gone.
It took hours for the coroner to arrive and for them to investigate and remove Deb. A neighbor just happens to be a volunteer pastor for the police department and he stayed with me through to the removal of Deb. We talked about what happened, what Deb and I had been going through and various memories of better times.
In the days since, I have been notifying many friends and relatives. I have also been taking care of our four pets — two dogs and two cats, and they’re keeping me occupied and loved. I have explained to everyone that I am doing okay. For those who knew of the marital difficulties, I explained that I had already made the mental decision to live without Deb, and someone or something had come up with a way for it to happen that neither of us expected. For others, I have just explained that I’m doing ok and the animals are my responsibility going forward and they’re going to keep me loved, so I’m doing OK. I’m still making references to “we” when it would be logical to include Deb in a conversation and I keep seeing many things I’d like to share with Deb, but can’t. I really never expected that she’d be so totally out of my life that I could never discuss things with her or that so much of the furnishings that were expected to go with her would remain as reminders of her presence of 19 years. There is a void in my life that will take a while to fill, if it ever does.
Some Kosacks have met Deb at some of the get-togethers at our houses in Morrison or Denver, and I hope you remember her fondly. She wasn’t overtly political and recently I had problems even getting her to vote, but she did firmly believe in women having the right to make their own decisions, medical and otherwise, and I’ve always preferred strong, independent women.
In death, she will be helping the medical community still. She signed her driver’s license to be an organ donor. It seems the biggest need is for whole body donors for medical research and so that is what I chose. The particular program, Tomorrow Link, uses bodies that are donated for training for first responders — police, firemen, EMS, etc, so that they can practice their techniques on actual bodies, not plastic dummies or trying to imagine what bodies feel like from videos or computer simulations. Deb had been frustrated at the level of training of current nurses who didn’t have much practical and field experience at all before they were turned loose to hospitals and care facilities. I’d like to think she may watch over her body and try and guide people to learn how to care in emergency situations better. Her son agreed with me on this. At the end of the usefulness of her body, she will be cremated and have her ashes spread here in Estes Park. Just where that will happen, and when there might be a service, remain to be seen. I expect it will be in summer because I believe that was her favorite season up here.
Now it is time for any comments you wish to make. .Stay safe, everyone, and I hope if you go, you go like Deb did so you don’t realize what’s happening and it’s quick and as far as I could tell, painless. The floor is yours