Rudy somehow embarrasses himself more than usual with bizarre recitation of 'I'm a Little Teapot'

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Saturday March 18, 2023 · 9:27 AM PDT

2023/03/18 · 09:27

WASHINGTON, DC - NOVEMBER 19: Rudy Giuliani speaks to the press about various lawsuits related to the 2020 election, inside the Republican National Committee headquarters on November 19, 2020 in Washington, DC. President Donald Trump, who has not been seen publicly in several days, continues to push baseless claims about election fraud and dispute the results of the 2020 United States presidential election. (Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images)

As Donald Trump dimly wonders how much prison contraband he’ll be able to comfortably store in his neck wattle, his personal lawyer, top consigliere, and lead election hoaxster Rudy Giuliani is scrounging for Boone’s Farm money in the saddest and seediest corners of the internet.

For a mere $325, you can hire Rudes to record a video for you on Cameo, a site that gives regular folks the chance to buy personalized messages from celebrities, thought leaders, and glitchy, flesh-swaddled Pez dispensers who have clearly stopped trying. And since Trump never pays him and no one wants his legal advice anymore—you’d be better served by smoking toad venom during a two-day TV Land Matlock marathon—he’s apparently resorted to publicly humiliating himself for cash.

Wait, no. “Humiliating” doesn’t begin to cover this. We need a new word to fully capture this awe-inspiring indignity. It’s downright Rudy-fying is what it is.

Watch:

This video of Rudy Giuliani humiliating himself for a few hundred bucks on Cameo is the culmination of such a profound public debasement. The attention economy has revealed so many political figures to just be attention-seeking grifters. (h/t @KFILE ) pic.twitter.com/aro07ho8rd
— Brian Klaas (@brianklaas) March 17, 2023

Transcript!

GIULIANI: “I’m a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up, hear me shout. Tip me over and pour me out. I’m a very special teapot—yes, it’s true. Here is an example of what I can do. I can turn my handle into a spout. Tip me over and pour me out.”

Oh, good God. What in the ever-living fuck was that? The government needs to start putting labels on Scotch bottles that simply say, “Aw, Rudy. C’mon, man.” He’s basically that old dancing Six Flags mascot after he’s been hosed down and tranqued for the night. Next stop, NFTs—and then on to perdition.

Now, I have to hand it to whoever coaxed Rudy into surrendering the last mealy dollops of his dignity for $325. I had a similar idea awhile ago, but the asking price seemed too steep, and I mistakenly thought there’d be a limit to how far off the deep end he’d be willing to go. Shame on me.

But whatever I came up with couldn’t have possibly matched this dadaistic monkey orgasm. So kudos, random Cameo customer! You’ve finally broken him. And now the whole world knows—and as a bonus lesson, Rudy taught us the second verse of “I’m a Little Teapot.”

And thanks again, Rudy, for reminding us what you and MAGA are all about. Or trying to remind us, rather. Honestly, I still don’t really get what any of you are talking about. On any subject. But hey, that’s just me.

Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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Rudy somehow embarrasses himself more than usual with bizarre recitation of 'I'm a Little Teapot'

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