Before we get started, I’d like to take a moment to congratulate everyone on successfully navigating another week without poisoning yourself to death with livestock dewormer. Poisoning yourself to death with livestock dewormer is something that can happen to anyone, anytime, and while it’s never tragic, it’s always really, really fucking funny.
This blog is dedicated to the memory of Danny Lemoi, who refused to allow those fancypants “doctors” to dictate what is and isn’t human medicine. Danny loved him some horse paste, ingesting “a daily dose of veterinary ivermectin” for a decade, before shockingly dying from the extensively documented side effects of overdosing on ivermectin.
Equally baffling are the ivermectin overdose symptoms reported by Lemoi’s Telegram channel audience, who tuned in to hear Danny talk about what a good idea it is for people to swallow large quantities of a chemical designed to kill parasites inside cows, until his untimely death from, again, ivermectin poisoning.
You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that “Lemoi also formulated an ivermectin regimen for children, and numerous members of the group reported that they were using it.” I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes here, but maybe the real groomers are the ones grooming their own kids to be cattle.
‘Course, you flip on Fox, and there’s Maria Bartiromo, slinging all the old lies about ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine,receiving no pushback whatsoever from her conversation partner, a United States Senator who has been known to self-identify as a medical doctor.
Yeah, people still watch Fox. In fact, only 9 percent of Fox viewers said they’re watching the network less than they used to, now that they’ve learned they’re viewed by Fox executives as not only incestuous terrorists, “but especially dumb ones.” (It must be said, these private communications hew closer to the truth than most of the on-air content.)
It’s still snug n’ cozy in the right-wing media bubble, where Silicon Valley Bank somehow failed because of “wokeness.”I knew it had to be wokeness, drag queens, or Hunter Biden’s laptop. Good thing we’ve got Fox to tell us who to hate whenever anything happens.
Also, I’m told “Tucker Carlson's Capitol videos are giving Jan. 6 defendants false hope.” How delightful. A charming justice niblet. A petit four. Terrorists should be made to feel crushing disappointment whenever possible, don’t you think?
Speaking of fake news, seems Ted Cruz’s publisher photoshopped his mullet right off his new book’s cover. It’s a sin to lie about a mullet, Jesus was extraordinarily clear about this. Anyway, the shittiest of all possible beards remains front and center for the whole world to see, so what they’re hoping to accomplish is anybody’s guess.
Between the atrocity of last week’s Kari Lake/Steve Bannon/“stud muffin” story, and the revelation that Ron DeSantis eats pudding with his fingers, this blog is in serious danger of veering into body horror. It tracks, though. Not difficult to picture him flipping through grade school textbooks that’ve deleted all references to race from the story of Rosa Parks,absentmindedly sucking the last traces of butterscotch from beneath each nail in turn, nodding, smiling.
Ron sure loves punching down with them puddin’-crusted mitts. Now he’s stripping a Miami hotel of its liquor license for hosting a drag show, because in Florida, your speech rights are limited by the prejudices of the resentment cult the governor spends his days pandering to.
DeSantis also went on a known liar’s television program to spout some cringe-level Kremlin propaganda, in what may have been an attempt to demonstrate “foreign policy chops,” in which case…yikes. Even the Wall Street Journal editorial board joined the dogpile, and DeSantis is already sliding in the polls, amidst increasing voter awareness that Ron DeSantis is just dumb, mean, and less interesting than the dumb, mean guy they’ve already got.
Still, Ron wanted Putin to understand that if he ever found himself on the lam from the International Criminal Court on war crimes charges, he’d always have a spot on the fold out in the basement. “And hey, no pressure, but if you happened to feel like interfering in another American election…I dunno, might be a fun distraction from micromanaging that legacy-annihilating war of aggression you’re losing.”
Hide the women and children, a slap fight finally broke out on the long-dormant Trump/Pence front! Mikey says Donnie isn’t a real Christian and Donnie says Mikey caused the Capitol Riot by not giving the terrorist mob what it wanted and of course everyone’s still touchy about the lynching thing.
In addition to his Christianness-evaluating duties, Pence offered some thoughts on Pete Buttigieg’s masculinity. They were, of course, shitty, homophobic thoughts, which would probably do him some good in the Republican primary, if only he weren’t, you know, MAGA Judas.
Have you heard about “Letters to Trump?” As narcissistic shitfits go, this one’s an all-timer: the Dotard is publishing a whole-ass book of letters he received from famous people over the years, in the context of LOOKIT EVERYBODY WHO KISSED MY ASS ARE YOU IMPRESSED YET DAD SEE DAD I’M NOT A LOSER LOOKIT MY LETTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRS, which is the sort of thing healthy, confident people do all the time.
They’re mad about washing machines this week, I think that’s new. It was a different appliance last time, right? Dishwashers? Stoves? Swedish-made penis enlarger pumps? Who can keep up?
Unwilling to get out-weirdoed by their feral Michigan brethren, Colorado Republicans elected as their Chair some dorkwho once “sued the Colorado secretary of state..after she denied his request to appear as “Dave ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ Williams” on the ballot in the Republican primary.” Well, you won’t have to worry about getting tired of winning.
Oh, also, “a conservative commentator who sexually harassed AOC is suing her for blocking him on Twitter,” in case you were wondering who the coolest man alive is.
Nothing delights fans of conservative ghoulishness quite like a debate about school lunches. Minnesota State Senator Steve Drazkowski thinks hunger is a myth concocted by the lying liberal media to frighten young job creators. Advocates point out that “hungry kids can’t learn,” which actually dovetails rather nicely with Republican education policy, when you think about it.
Ben Shapiro says "school lunches are not going to solve the problem of child hunger at any serious level," and I don’t know what conclusion you can draw from a statement like that beyond “this man does not understand how food works.” Of course, human biology has always been a bit of a blind spot for Ben…
Another one of Steve Bannon’s associates got arrested, and I guess it’s hard to detect the pattern of corruption/fraud/deceit when you’re distracted by the swelling of your ivermectin-saturated heart. How many GoFundMe scams do y’all need before you realize you’re not so much a political movement as every con man’s wettest dream made reality?
The Bannon bud in question here is Guo Wengui, and alas, we don’t get to move on from him just yet. Guo is a man of many schemes, including one to transform flailing wingnut social media platform Gettr into a sperm exchange for folks who believe Covid vaccines cause mass sterility. I was a lot happier before I was introduced to the concept of anti-vax spooj markets, but that’s life on the MAGA beat, I suppose.
Ew. Sorry. Yeah, it’s been an unusually…organic one tonight, and I think we all deserve some more pleasant/less viscous news to launch us into the weekend. Fortunately, it seems one of Off-Brand Orbán’s idiot lawyers has been ordered to give further testimony to the grand jury investigating the stolen classified docs thing, having triggered the crime-fraud exemption to attorney-client privilege.
Oh, and I guess law enforcement agencies have begun preparations for the potential indictment of a certain cognitive test passer, possibly as soon as next week.
Oh my. That is quite a teaser. Well, I will be tuning in.
Golly, we might have somethin’ to talk about next time. I better stock the beer fridge, just in case. Until then, you stay safe out there. Don’t take any wooden nickels, or any veterinary ivermectin, for that matter. Buy a whole bunch of semen from some unvaccinated dude, though, that’s just good sense.
I figure the preceeding gooiness left you in the mood to sign up for an email list, so here’s the obligatory end-of-post link to showercapblog.com.
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