Free Advice
In my opinion, this is the Democrats’ ad campaign template for 2022. No need to get into the policy weeds, really. Just this...right to the heart:
Human touch & human connection. It’s so important to our well being! If you can safely hug someone this weekend, please do so. Let them know they are cared for. Watch their edge change. Watch as they change the way they move in the world. #theopenfield pic.twitter.com/mfSRKDQuIQ— Maria Shriver (@mariashriver) April 17, 2021
Human touch & human connection. It’s so important to our well being! If you can safely hug someone this weekend, please do so. Let them know they are cared for. Watch their edge change. Watch as they change the way they move in the world. #theopenfield pic.twitter.com/mfSRKDQuIQ
Clips like that one, one after the other. And the announcer says:
”America’s pandemic recovery—and all the hugs that come with it—are brought to you courtesy of the Democratic Party.”
”America’s pandemic recovery—and all the hugs that come with it—are
brought to you courtesy of the Democratic Party.”
My job is done here.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 21, 2021
Note: Due to our nation's new Anglo-Saxon policies, you each owe me 14 chickens and 6 hogs by the time the sun completes its current trip around the shire. If you should fall off the edge of the earth before then, we get your hut. You are, however, entitled to keep any existing manure for your heirs. Also: you might want to get those boils looked at by the medicine hag before we accuse her of witchcraft next week. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til President Biden's address before a joint session of Congress: 7
Portion of Americans polled by PBS NewsHour/NPR/Marist who say they're opposed to laws that would limit the rights of transgender Americans: 2-in-3
Percent of Texas voters polled by The Dallas News and UT-Tyler who would vote for incumbent Gov. Abbott and Matthew McConaughey, respectively, in a hypothetical matchup: 33%-45%
Percent of self-described liberals and conservatives, respectively, polled by CBS News who say they'd go to the future (instead of the past) if they could safely travel through time: 61%, 44%
Distance of the New Horizons probe from the sun as of last Saturday: 50 astronomical units
Length of 1 astronomical unit: 92,955,807 miles
Current market value of Your Hometown Deli in Paulsboro, New Jersey, which had total sales of $14,000 last year—a sign that the real estate situation is currently insane: $120 million
Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 4 volcanoes and 1 Lord and Savior going all QAnon Nutbag). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Amazingly, everyone survived the attack…
CHEERS and JEERS to stopping the police abuse Wurlitzer...for a moment. According to The New York Times, “there have been only seven murder convictions of officers for fatal police shootings since 2005.” So this was a big and rare verdict: guilty, guilty, guilty. Derek Chauvin will spend many years behind bars for suffocating George Floyd to death out of sheer sadism. This is a relief:
BREAKING: Jury finds former police officer Derek Chauvin guilty of murder and manslaughter in the death of George Floyd. pic.twitter.com/WevhLzUmXX— MSNBC (@MSNBC) April 20, 2021
BREAKING: Jury finds former police officer Derek Chauvin guilty of murder and manslaughter in the death of George Floyd. pic.twitter.com/WevhLzUmXX
And this is why we’re so fortunate to have an empathetic president:
President Biden and VP Harris call the Floyd family after the GUILTY verdict! Thank you @POTUS & @VP for your support! We hope that we can count on you for the police reform we NEED in America! ✊🏾 pic.twitter.com/cg4V2D5tlI— Ben Crump (@AttorneyCrump) April 20, 2021
President Biden and VP Harris call the Floyd family after the GUILTY verdict! Thank you @POTUS & @VP for your support! We hope that we can count on you for the police reform we NEED in America! ✊🏾 pic.twitter.com/cg4V2D5tlI
But because every action has an equal and opposite reaction, here we go again. Columbus, Ohio this time, as the Chauvin verdict was being read…
Paula Bryant tells me her 16 year-old daughter Ma’Khia Bryant was an honor roll student and a sweet child. Ma’Khia was shot and killed by a @ColumbusPolice on Legion Lane at 4:30p today. pic.twitter.com/0FfbQVEgSD— Lacey Crisp (@LaceyCrisp) April 21, 2021
Paula Bryant tells me her 16 year-old daughter Ma’Khia Bryant was an honor roll student and a sweet child. Ma’Khia was shot and killed by a @ColumbusPolice on Legion Lane at 4:30p today. pic.twitter.com/0FfbQVEgSD
[Sigh]
JEERS to botching the aftermath. You saw it in plain sight and so did I—Trump's thugs plotted and planned the Capitol insurrection in plain sight. And it should come as no surprise that they also plotted and planned in their little secret sub-sub-sub-sub-reddit chat rooms as well. But to hear the FBI tell it, the insurrectionist traitors were just unfortunate victims who got caught up in all the hoopla on January 6th, when they just happened to find themselves at a Trump rally and then stumbled into the Capitol for a little sightseeing. Well, f*ck that. Time for Attorney General Garland to knock some heads together at Justice, because appearing to treat this like it was a holdup at a corner 7-11 is infuriating:
[A] new report by a private research group, and a separate review by NBC News, uncovered hundreds of social media posts discussing plans to move on the Capitol, including a map of the facility and talk of how to create a stampede that would overwhelm Capitol Police. Planned. Planned. Planned. "You know there will be riot police preventing us from getting in the capitol building," one anonymous poster wrote in December. "What if we created a stampede/crush situation? Start pushing from the back. Surely they will have to get out of the way or get crushed. They're not going to start shooting people." […] "This information, sitting in plain sight on the internet before Jan. 6, paints a clear picture of a planned and coordinated violent attack," Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, a Rhode Island Democrat who serves on the Judiciary Committee, said in a statement to NBC News. "It's important to understand how much of this the FBI and DOJ knew, when they knew it, and how they decided which pieces of information warranted action."
[A] new report by a private research group, and a separate review by NBC News, uncovered hundreds of social media posts discussing plans to move on the Capitol, including a map of the facility and talk of how to create a stampede that would overwhelm Capitol Police.
"You know there will be riot police preventing us from getting in the capitol building," one anonymous poster wrote in December. "What if we created a stampede/crush situation? Start pushing from the back. Surely they will have to get out of the way or get crushed. They're not going to start shooting people." […]
"This information, sitting in plain sight on the internet before Jan. 6, paints a clear picture of a planned and coordinated violent attack," Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, a Rhode Island Democrat who serves on the Judiciary Committee, said in a statement to NBC News. "It's important to understand how much of this the FBI and DOJ knew, when they knew it, and how they decided which pieces of information warranted action."
On a positive note, kudos to NBC News for bucking the media trend in their report by not robotically referring to the GOP-backed terrorists operating on American soil as "militia." These days, it's the little things.
CHEERS to the miracle workers the boss can't live without. Today is Administrative Professionals Day. It's been around, by different names, for a long time. You might say it's evolved…
The first National Secretaries Week was organized in 1952 in conjunction with the United States Department of Commerce and various office supply and equipment manufacturers. Uh…..save the world? The Wednesday of that week became known as National Secretaries Day. As the organization gained international recognition, the events became known as Professional Secretaries Week and Professional Secretaries Day. In 2000, IAAP announced that names of the week and the day were changed to Administrative Professionals Week and Administrative Professionals Day to keep pace with changing job titles and expanding responsibilities of the modern administrative workforce.
The first National Secretaries Week was organized in 1952 in conjunction with the United States Department of Commerce and various office supply and equipment manufacturers.
The Wednesday of that week became known as National Secretaries Day. As the organization gained international recognition, the events became known as Professional Secretaries Week and Professional Secretaries Day. In 2000, IAAP announced that names of the week and the day were changed to Administrative Professionals Week and Administrative Professionals Day to keep pace with changing job titles and expanding responsibilities of the modern administrative workforce.
Here at C&J, we have two administrative professionals on staff, and we couldn’t maintain our empire without them. Later this morning we'll show our appreciation by presenting them with a fresh Purina Busy Bone and Little Friskies catnip toy. Right after they fetch the Penske file. Which, given their lack of opposable thumbs, might take awhile.
P.S. Today is also Kindergarten Day, when we fondly look back and remember those golden moments sitting around in a big building eating paste, running around with shoes untied, making crude misspelled signs on construction paper with giant markers, not making it to the bathroom in time, throwing tantrums, enjoying extended nappy time, and babbling constant nonsense with no particular point. Or As the House Anglo-Saxon Caucus calls it: Wednesday.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
Little help with the beer. 🍺🥴 pic.twitter.com/lBVXLLrlDw— 🍺 Hold My Beer 🍺 (@HldMyBeer) April 18, 2021
Little help with the beer. 🍺🥴 pic.twitter.com/lBVXLLrlDw
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to the man-made creature that created a black lagoon. Today marks the 11th anniversary of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster, which killed 11 rig workers and a whole bunch of sea life, and spewed 134-million gallons of crude into the Gulf of Mexico. On the first anniversary in 2011 I wrote in C&J: "like the perpetrators of the '08 financial collapse, many among the oilpocalypse’s guilty parties will, mark my words, go unpunished." As reported last year, it was an easy call:
[S]afety rules adopted in the spill’s aftermath have been eased as part of President Trump’s drive to boost U.S. oil production. And government data reviewed by the Associated Press shows the number of safety inspection visits has declined in recent years, although officials say checks of electronic records, safety systems and individual oil rig components have increased. […] The busted blowout preventer made for some of the most horrifying live television in April of 2010. And it could absolutely happen again. “I’m concerned that in the industry the lessons aren’t fully learned—that we’re tending to backslide,” said Donald Boesch, a University of Maryland professor who was on a federal commission that found the BP blowout was preventable. […] Warnings and citations to companies for safety or environmental violations peaked in 2012 and have since fallen faster than inspection visits. The decline accelerated under the current administration. … Fewer inspections and citations suggests safety improvements after the spill are unraveling, said Matt Lee-Ashley, formerly of the Interior Department.
[S]afety rules adopted in the spill’s aftermath have been eased as part of President Trump’s drive to boost U.S. oil production. And government data reviewed by the Associated Press shows the number of safety inspection visits has declined in recent years, although officials say checks of electronic records, safety systems and individual oil rig components have increased. […]
“I’m concerned that in the industry the lessons aren’t fully learned—that we’re tending to backslide,” said Donald Boesch, a University of Maryland professor who was on a federal commission that found the BP blowout was preventable. […]
Warnings and citations to companies for safety or environmental violations peaked in 2012 and have since fallen faster than inspection visits. The decline accelerated under the current administration. … Fewer inspections and citations suggests safety improvements after the spill are unraveling, said Matt Lee-Ashley, formerly of the Interior Department.
As if he doesn’t have enough on his plate, President Biden has this problem to fix, too. But the big question that's been keeping me up since that fateful night in 2010 is: "Hey, Tony Hayward! Did you get your life back yet??!" Or, to be more accurate, it's the question the guy I hired still asks over and over under his bedroom window with a bullhorn every night.
CHEERS to the energizer monarch. Queen Elizabeth II marks her birthday—number 95—today. But it won’t be very celebratory, seeing as she laid her husband of 70+ years to rest four days ago. As an American descended from the patriots who violently overthrew the yoke of British oppression over 240 years ago, I should be bitter and vindictive toward her and her country full of haggis-inhaling wankers who wanted to tax the knee stockings off our legs. But, of course, I can’t. I mean, for Benny Hill’s sake, look at that face:
The pandemic prevents me from my usual routine of flying across The Pond and properly marking the occasion by singing the birthday song and giving her a pinch to grow an inch. It's probably for the best. Obamcare's great, but I've hit my limit for time spent in traction.
Ten years ago in C&J: April 21, 2011
CHEERS to crack for political junkies. Here we go, kids: Larry Sabato of the University of Virginia Center for Politics is out with his first 2012 electoral map of the season. Right now it has Obama winning 247 electoral votes, Republicans winning 180, and 111 are still tossups. Wanna see it? Here ya go. You can trust with 100 percent certainty that those numbers have absolutely no certainty to them. (But them colors sure is purty.) [4/21/21 Update: Obama spanked Romney 332-206. Can we ever...trust Larry...again?]
And just one more…
CHEERS to Hannibal’s favorite son. Mark Twain, a man whose bullshit detector went to 11, died 111 years ago today, on April 21, 1910. He went out just as he predicted—with Halley's comet. But not before Mr. Samuel Langhorne Clemens pumped out decades of literary brilliance and observational wit whose edge is still razor-sharp:
"Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about." “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” Twain with pootie. "Always respect your superiors; if you have any." “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” “Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.” "It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races." “Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.” "It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled."
"Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about."
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
"Always respect your superiors; if you have any."
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.”
"It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races."
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.”
"It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled."
He was anti-slavery, pro-women's rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a supporter of labor unions. Occasionally humorous, too. Pay your respects here. But don’t offer him one of his beloved cigars, please. Those things can kill ya.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial White House Endorses Bill to Grant Statehood to Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool —Mediaite
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
White House Endorses Bill to Grant Statehood to Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool
—Mediaite
Poll 636 votes Show Results Were you surprised that the jury found Derek Chauvin guilty of murder? Yes No No opinion 636 votes Vote Now! Were you surprised that the jury found Derek Chauvin guilty of murder? Yes 45% 286 votes No 53% 336 votes No opinion 2 2% 14 votes
125
