How would an immigrant Donald Trump fare under the neo-Nazi-approved “legal” immigration plan he endorsed last week? He’d probably be targeted by his own deportation force.
Columnist Catherine Rampbell writes that the “economy-crippling bill”—which opponents have noted is really an effort to cut down on non-white immigration and make America white—“change[s] how ‘skills’ and ‘merit’ are defined, replacing our current employer-centered system with a points-based one” that awards points for “age, education, and extraordinary achievement.” Quite a demand from a family that defines the word “nepotism.” So, Rampbell decided to test the bill on its biggest endorser to see if he’d be able to stay in the U.S. to continue his taxpayer-funded golfing vacations, or get sent packing like the many brown, undocumented families he’s deported so far. By her estimation, immigrants need to score a minimum of 30 “to join the applicant pool of those trying for a points-based immigrant visa.”
You’d think that a president of the United States shouldn’t have too much trouble when it comes to qualifications, but remember this is Donald Trump we’re talking about here:
Age: zero points. People older than 51 don’t earn points. Trump is 71. The best ages to be under this system, by the way, are 26 to 30. (Darn millennials.)
Education: 6. Trump has a bachelor’s degree from a U.S. university.
Record of extraordinary achievement: zero. Trump may have starred in a network reality show and (allegedly) sunk 30-foot putts, but what counts as “extraordinary achievement” is limited to two categories.
One is winning a Nobel Prize or comparable recognition in a science or social science field. No luck there.
The other is recently winning an Olympic medal (individual event only, no relays!) or placing first in another comparable international athletic event.
Probably safe to assume that golfing outings don’t count for any sort of athletic achievement, making Donald’s score a very low-energy six so far. And, things don’t seem to get brighter for him as Rampbell continues scoring. Sad!
English-language ability: zero. To receive points here, you need to score in the top half of those taking an officially sanctioned English proficiency exam, such as the TOEFL.
Success on this exam’s writing section requires using “appropriate word choice,” effectively addressing a topic and displaying “unity, progression and coherence.” Consider how the coiner of “covfefe” might perform.
The TOEFL speaking section includes responding to a simple question prompt. Scoring well requires staying on topic, being intelligible and exhibiting “sustained, coherent discourse.”
Peruse the transcript of Trump’s recent interview with The Wall Street Journal — or any other unscripted conversation, really — to judge how he fares.
There’s other categories she goes through, and you see Trump finally getting his largest portion of points, 12, from “entrepreneurial initiative.” This seems generous, considering the numerous business bankruptcies and the current status of ventures like Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump University, Trump Mortgage, Trump: The Game, and Trump magazine (I’ll save you a click—they’re gone). But, let’s keep playing along.
For the hell of it, Rampbell decides to award Trump a top score on the English test (cue laugh track), which barely squeaks him through the minimum 30 points. But even then, “not everyone who met that threshold would get in. Roughly the top 70,000 scorers would be selected, when you factor in spouses and dependents they get to bring along. We don’t know what the cutoff would be. It might be 65 points, depending on how many apply”:
If Trump’s even barely eligible score weren’t high enough, he could try again the following year, so long as he still had a legal temporary visa. Otherwise he’d have to leave the country.
If he were really desperate, he could find a U.S. spouse to sponsor him for a green card. Melania to the rescue? Her English has to be better.
Again, this is assuming Donald’s even here to begin with. Under Trump’s Raise Act—a.k.a, Racist Act—his German-born grandfather would have likely been barred from entering the United States due to being a non-English speaker. Need help packing, Don?