But let's start tonight with our continuing coverage of Mess O'Potamia. As you know, we went into Iraq for one reason, and for one reason only.
JOHN BOEHNER (6/8/2006): That's what this fight is about in this part of the world, planting the seeds of democracy.
It wasn't about weapons of mass destruction or 9/11 — once those reasons were found to be unsupported by reality. It was about America! It was about what happens when one country loves another country very much. And that country then deposits his democracy seed (audience laughter) — typically laser-guided (audience laughter) — into another country's, let's say, fertile crescent. (audience laughter and applause)
CONDOLEEZZA RICE (12/21/2006): ... that seed of democracy in Iraq.
By the way, if you think the seeding of democracy metaphor is slightly more tortured than many of the people we brought that democracy to, you ain't seen nothing yet.
GEORGE W. BUSH (10/6/2005): The seeds of freedom have only recently been planted in Iraq. But democracy, when it grows, is not a fragile flower. It is a healthy, sturdy tree.
"And that tree is a family tree, it's a family of man, for no man is an island, except for the Isle of Man. Where is that? You know what? Fuck it, I'm gonna go paint a cat." (audience laughter)
Anyway, the point is this. We spread our seed all over Iraq, and it bloomed, baby! Until ol' Johnny Obamy came in. And now you won't believe what's growing there.
SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-SC (6/15/2014): The seeds of 9/11s are being planted all over Iraq and Syria.
You see what happened? They done swapped out our democracy seeds with the seeds of 9/11! You know, I'm not even sure why Burpee's even sells those 9/11 seeds.
(audience laughter and applause)
Why would they do that? That's like, um, seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen. It's like when they stopped all those Venus dog traps. It was just stupid.
I'm gonna go beagle.
Point is, all that great stuff we did after obviously some of the bad stuff we did is totally undone now by the Islamic state of Iraq and Syria, who are currently sowing chaos seeds. So now what do we do? Well, if you remember in the original rush to war — I mean, diligently planned, internationally sanctioned, freedom rave (audience laughter) — there were some individuals who were wrong about the whole fucking thing. Just wrong. Just dead wrong. Like, about everything. All of them.
REP. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-SC (12/19/2001): Let's act now to get rid of a tyrant who's abused and killed his own people, who's procuring weapons of mass destruction, substantial evidence to that effect.
By the way, you can have all these memorable screw-ups and more. Just call now and order Now That's What I Call Being Completely Fucking Wrong About Iraq!
BILL KRISTOL (2/14/2003): The choice is disarming him by war or letting him have these weapons of mass destruction.
PAUL WOLFOWITZ (3/27/2003): We're dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction, and relatively soon.
PAUL BREMER (5/15/2013): The Baathists who used their power to repress the Iraqi people will be removed from office.
(audience cheering and applause)
Anyhow, but here's what happened. So you'll appreciate this. I think you'll appreciate this. Those idiots were ostracized, never heard from again, because of how... I'm kidding. Because I think we all know four wrongs make a right. And in this current crisis, the news media has rushed to get the band back together again, and they all have the same advice.
On bass...ically wrong about everything, Bill Kristol! On drum...ming up support for endless war, Paul Wolfowitz! On guitar... you kidding me?? How does this guy keep getting booked on television??, Lindsey Graham!
SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-SC (6/15/2014): The stubborn-headed President we have who thinks he knows better than everybody else, who withdrew troops ... stubborn-headed delusional detached president, but that's the last bad thing I'm gonna say.
(uncomfortable audience laughter)
(in Southern accent) "My wicked tongue. I'm so bad... at foreign policy. Now pour me another julep, Lindsey feels a song." (audience laughter)
But like any terrible band, they're nothing without their lead singer, ol' Johnny Rotten... Johnny Rotten judgment. His advocacy of the Iraq War was legend. His sophisticated knowledge of the region, unparalleled. In that it did not parallel with anybody who had knowledge of the region. (audience laughter)
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ (4/23/2003): There is not a history of clashes that are violent between Sunnis and Shias, so I think they can probably get along.
Now that is a true statement if you don't count the long history of violent clashes between Sunni and Shia. And he's right, throughout history there are lots of examples of Sunnis and Shias peacefully sharing power, like we were going to have them do in Iraq. Like, um, OK, here's a great one, back in the '50s. Um, 950. Yeah, the only time it's ever happened is over a thousand years ago in what is now Iran and Iraq. There was a pro-Shiite warlord dynasty sharing power with a pro-Sunni caliph. Yeah. In 950. I don't know why they couldn't find this book.
And since John McCain was one of the wrongest before and during the war, it's only fitting that in this current crisis, he was on so many shows, you'd think he just won Dancing with the Stars.
And all we would have to do to maintain the victory is stay there forever. It's like when you win at a casino, and to get the money, you have to live there. (audience laughter)
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ, ON MSNBC: The decision was made by the Obama administration to not have a residual force in Iraq.
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ, ON CNN: We left troops behind in Korea, in Germany, in Japan, even in Bosnia. They're a stabilizing force.
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ, ON MSNBC: We had the conflict won.
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ, ON FOX NEWS: We had that war won, and we blew it.
Why did Obama snatch defeat from the jaws of victory?
FRED KAPLAN (6/12/2014): President Bush signed a treaty at the end of 2008, the Status of Forces Agreement, which said that all U.S. forces, not just combat forces, all U.S. forces, will be out of Iraq by the end of 2011.
What?! Only a secret Muslim Kenyan terrorist vegan is shrewd enough to ensure our defeat before he ever took office by Jedi mind-tricking Patriot Man.
Actually, apparently you don't have to use the Jedi mind trick, you just kinda wave your hand and he does whatever. (audience laughter)
I will be fair to John McCain, it's not like this is just his Iraq strategy. He is consistent.
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ (3/15/2014): (On Ukraine) Ukraine is going to need a long-term military assistance program from the United States.
(audience groaning laughter)
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ (5/14/2014): (On Nigeria) If they knew where they were, I certainly would send in U.S. troops to rescue them, in a New York minute I would.
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ (4/24/2011): (On Libya) ... appropriate use of air power.
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ (3/5/2012): (On Syria) ... air strikes on Assad's forces.
SEN. JOHN McCAIN, R-AZ (4/19/2007): You know that old Beach Boys song "Bomb Iran"? Hehe. "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb bomb..." hehehe. Anyway.
Haaaaaaaaa! The John McCain military victory plan for America is the same as the John McCain media strategy. Be everywhere. Forever. We'll be right back.
of the Middle East, and our role in it.