By Ken Snarkrest October 14 at 1:00 PM
Chemists and Industrial experts announced today that the total world supply of Turd Polish is nearly depleted. The rare and expensive material is typically produced by industrialized nations and stockpiled in storage facilities at a number of locations around the world. Demand has been steady and increasing for many years, and supply has expanded to keep pace. But the campaign of Donald Trump for the Presidency of the U.S. has caused a spike in demand many times the previous world-wide requirement. It has been reported that Mike Pence alone has used 38 metric tons since the day after the first presidential debate on September 26. Other long running, high demand users like the North Korean agricultural bureau of the proletariat, The Russian petroleum sector, Hollywood, Nashville, The American tobacco industry, and the New Jersey highway department, are worried that their critical needs will not be met in the coming months due to the overwhelming purchases being made by various individuals and groups attempting to put a shine on Donald Trump and other associated GOP candidates.
The GOP usually plans ahead and stockpiles about 75 metric tons of Turd Polish in a Presidential Election year. However, this year that stockpile had already been completed expended by the time that Donald Trump had secured the nomination. Since then, demand by the GOP for the precious commodity has risen to previously unimaginable levels.
William Stone of Crapshine Inc. said, "There have been sudden gigantic surges in demand before, things like New Coke taste tests, the BP Public Relations Department, Volkswagen customer service, and the Star Wars Prequel advertising campaign, but nothing even remotely close to this. It's unbelievable."
Turd Polish has existed for hundreds of years, in different, primitive formulations, but modern chemical engineering has perfected the formula and the process for producing it. The exact recipe is a tightly held industrial secret, but it is rumored to require rare and expensive ores and other materials from around the world, such as Coltan, Tritium, Rhodium, ground rhino horn, and Ambergris.
The US is the world's leading consumer of Turd Polish with the advertising, motion picture, tobacco, and auto industries being primary consumers, as well as Federal, State and Local governments and agencies of all types. But other countries like Russian, China, North Korea, the UK, France and Cuba are also major consumers of Turd Polish.
Movies like Catwoman, Pearl Harbor, Batman and Robin, Green Lantern, and Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, keeps the American motion picture industry in need of a constant supply. And individual celebrities like Ben Affleck, Justin Bieber, Kim Kardasian, Charlie Sheen, Tom Cruise, Kanye West, Woody Allen, Mel Gibson and dozens of others, regularly employ more Turd Polish than entire nations. But the entertainment industry uses only a small share compared to groups and individuals in the world of politics. Each year, the world of politics in the U.S. uses about 12 percent of the worldwide demand, in a normal presidential election year, that amount can double to nearly a quarter of all world wide use.
However, even this level of use is dwarfed by the demands of this year's Trump campaign. The 16 most vocal Trump spokespersons (Mike Pence, Chris Christie, Rudy Giuliani, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell Jr., Reince Priebus, Herman Cain, Sean Hannity, Jeff Sessions, Corey Lewandowski, Kellyanne Conway, Katrina Pierson, Andre Bauer, Jack Kingston, Kayleigh McEnany, and Scottie Nell Hughes) have used more Turd Polish since October 7th than the total, global political demand of the entire prior three year period. An amount equal to the entire remaining global strategic supply.
The shortage is starting to have drastic real-world consequences. Through the liberal application of large volumes of Turd Polish, Yahoo was able to keep the 2014 hacker breech of their data hidden for more than two years, until the huge demands of the Trump campaign caused Yahoo to run short and the breech was disclosed on September 22. Also, Samsung was recently forced to recall and cancel the Galaxy Note 7 at a loss for the company of over $3 billion, because no Turd Polish could be found anywhere on earth to fix the problems with the poorly designed tech item. And finally, just days ago, John Stumpf was forced to resign as CEO of Wells Fargo when he could not acquire enough Turd Polish to put a shine on his company's theft of millions of dollars from tens of thousands of customers.
Spokesperson for Copro-Light, L.L.C. (a major distributor of Turd Polish in the US), Jeff Flowers, said, "Yes, we have recently had to begin turning down all orders, large and small, from huge companies like Samsung and Wells Fargo, and even small annual orders like from Susan Stamberg for her yearly Thanksgiving segment featuring her cranberry relish recipe, Clear Channel Communications, for the release of their annual financial statement, and NBC, for the roll-out of their fall line up."
Experts fear that the world populace is not fully prepared for the unvarnished truth about every situation, and governments and industry is mobilizing to try to ramp up supply, and rationing the use of the small remaining amount of Turd Polish. But there is growing concern that more un-spun truth than the global infrastructure can handle will be witnessed before the GOP demand abates after the November 8th election. Ban Ki-moon, Secretary General of the U.N., is concerned for global stability, and urges the nations of the world to work together to weather the crisis. He said, "We must turn the greatest collective challenge facing humankind today, the current Turd Polish Famine, into the greatest opportunity for common progress towards a sustainable future of distractions, platitudes, half truths, and innuendo."
18
