Harry Reid, who will speak and take questions at Netroots Nation, sort of took my questions today. I got his super secret cell phone number from someone I know who knows someone who knows someone, you know what I'm talkin' about. It cost me a few exotic hand made chocolate bars from a very special place in South America.
I was lounging in my lawn chair, fixing my fedora for the correct angle to block the hot summer sun. My shnauzer-greyhound mix dog was licking what was left of the ice cream cone he ate half of in my other hand. On my lap was my trusty investigative phone call tobacco pipe, lit up with its savory scent, that I save for such phone calls.
Let's just say Harry is a busy guy but I was lucky to catch him while he was relaxing barbecueing chickens somewhere at some supporter's party in Nevada.
[PHONE RING]
[Reid ANSWERS]
Reid: Gosh darned it
[Sound of phone dropping to ground, fumbling noises}
Me: Hello, uh hello, hello.
Reid: Ah, there it is, oh now my hands are greasy and charcoally. Ed, would you get me a towel. Thanks. Hello, what can I do for you?
Me: Harry-- hi, say, can you tell me just why you said Barack "should have been more firm with those on the other side of the aisle," when you didn't seem all that forceful yourself?
Reid: Who is this? What? Look, I've got Sue Lowdens to barbecue, I mean Sharon Angles, er chickens.
Me: Why'd you attack Obama for not being firm when you haven't been firm?
Reid: Don't get personal now. Just because I take Viagra doesn't give you the right...
Me: No, really.
Reid: Look, that tea party idiot is breathing down my neck, sure, she'll do herself in with that extremist poppycock but I need all the leverage I can get. I've got to get those pesky liberal voters back and attacking Barack on that point was the way to do it. I've covered my -ss and Barack knows that's what's it's all about and he's all right with it.
Me: Are you going to admit that at Netroots Nation?
Reid: Hell no, are you crazy?
Me: Ok. Anything to say about Geithner and Warner and job creation?
Reid: Um, I'm for both and neither.
Me: What about the deficit?
Reid: What, in leadership? I'm doing fine. I've got that Russian Octopus world cup predictor on my side. You'll see, we'll do great. Six more years of weak Senate leadership, I'm finishing strong and kicking um, what is it, chickens? Or uh, oh you mean the budget?
Me: Yes, what about job stimulation and the deficit? What do you think is most important?
Reid: We don't have enough votes for job stimulation since Wall Street has some senators blocking it, they want more deficit reduction and budget cuts, the IMF is involved and so are the Shriners and... wait a minute... I thought you were Nancy Pelosi, that's the only reason I answered and talked about this. You sound like her or that guy on her staff who plays new age music fused with polka, nice guy with weird hair. Don't be leaking this to the blogs now. Listen, I've got to get back to this barbecue.
Me: What about the unemployment bill vote, is the new WV Senator on board?
Reid: Sure, of course, he's a team player and WV has a high unemployment rate. Bye now. Uh, Ed, remind me to change my cell number again, some nutjob reporter.
[Click}
Holy crap! What a scoop! That mint chip ice cream was great! The Shriners are in on this international monetary neoliberalist empire plot! Multiple scoops! Gotta order that next time, the mint chip would be good with mocha and vanilla along with my pipe.
I was just about to write all this down in my investigative daily journal when a tall blonde with a bad attitude, a black leather dress, and ripped fishnets and oily skin limped into my yard, obviously a damsel in distress seeking a private eye. I was about to ask her what are you lookin' for honey, when she started babbling incoherently about tapped wells and do I know anything about drilling and sealing. I had to drop this little diary about a two bit Senate leader off real quick to run off with this femme fatalle in need. Do I know about drilling and sealing? Heck, I ain't no fishgrease, but they don't call me Deepwater Horizontal for nothin'. I told the howlin' honey that she had found her man who could find the leak and cap somewhere down in the Big Easy. In other words, I gotta case and some work and a loose lady to loosen, so this little diary is history.