Last night, if you weren't watching the Colbert Report, you missed PURE GENIUS. My jaw LITERALLY dropped a couple of times. I suppose Stephen and his writers figured if they are going to go "there" they need to go all in. Enough of me, just watch the video:
(first segment: atone-phone)
D'you know who owes us all an apology? Jimmy Carter.
(aside: Is he jewish? Check the list. Ok.)
Carter's criticized Israel, kissed up to Castro, but now he has really stuck his peanut in it. Jim:
[9/21/2009]Carter clip:) "I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man.."
Ridiculous. We all celebrate Obama's historic presidency -- some of us just disagree with his policies. That's why we refer to him as "that boy" [ Rep. Geoff Davis (R) Tenessee April 12, 2008],
or "uppity" [Rep. Lynn Westmoreland (R) Georgia September 4, 2008],
or make posters like this [ObamaCare poster: witch doctor Obama, Obama O, C =hammer & sickle],
or semd emails like this [white house with field of watermelons]. That, that is clearly about agricultural policy.
And I suppose Jimmy Carter thinks these remarks are racially biased too:
"The health care bill is reparations. It's the beginning of reparations." [clip July 22, 2009 Glen Beck]
"Obama's entire economic program is reparations. ...If I were Sharpton, I'd say 'he gonna take from the rich, he's gonna take -- he's gonna give it to you." [June 22 2009, the Rush Limbaugh show]
[picture of Glen & Rush] Those guys aren't racist. They're just saying a program that helps the poor is actually a secret plot by african-americans to steal white people's money. A racist would say it's a secret plot to steal white people's women.
Now again, again folks: this is just about Obama's policies. And there is a black man that agrees with me. Bill Clinton:
[clip Sept 21 2009 via newsmax.TV] "I believe that while it is true that some of the most extreme opponents of President Obama may also still have racial prejudice, I believe that 100% of them that are opposing him now, would be against him if he were a white Democrat."
Exactly. Their policy objections aren't influenced by their racial prejudice, any more than a bullet is influenced by a gun. Once you pull the trigger, that thing is on it's own. But sadly, any time a racist criticizes the President, someone cries "Racism." Unfortunately... Fortunately, there's a solution. And it's tonight's WØRD:
Blackwashing. [• Blackwashing]
Now, folks, everybody knows I don't see race. People tell me I'm white, and I believe them because I get pretty good service at Cracker Barrel. [Cracker Barrel logo]
And no one values black people more than I do. Except perhaps North Carolina republican congresswoman Virginia Fox, [picture of Fox] who prefaced a speech critical of Obama's health care policy with these words:
[Sept 15 2009 C-SPAN clip] "In a recent article conservative commentator Thomas Sewell, an african-american, examined some of President Obama's plans about the health care reform legislation (edit cut) Sewell writes that in his joint address to Congress President Obama is wrong about the spending levels of his health care reform."
See? Congresswoman Fox is proving that she's not a racist, by pointing out that an african-american also disagrees with the President. Because what better way to prove you're not a racist, than by highlighting a fellow critics race? [• Appointing Michael Steele?]
See, black people are handy. They allow us to criticize the President, without being accused of racism. The same way jews can tell jewish jokes, and the irish can tell irish jokes. [•And late night liberals can tell gay jokes]
Y'see, having an african american on your side whitewashes, or in this case blackwashes, your racism. [•Stephen has no black writers]
Unfortunately, 97% of african-americans support the President's policies. I'd say that's the real racism. Which kinda makes the President the real racist. Right, Glen Beck?
[July 28 2009 Fox news clip] "This President, I think, has exposed himself as a guy (cut) who has a deep-seated hatred for white people (cut) this guy is, I believe, is racist."
Now. Glen's criticism might seem racist. Fortunately, Glen is getting cover from the number one black guy, [•Denzel Washington?!] Barack Obama. Just listen to white house press secretary Robert Gibbs:
[Sept 16 2009 clip] " President does not believe that a criticism comes based on the color of his skin."
Thank you. I wish more african-americans were like the President -- raised by white people. [•Madonna's trying]
But that may not be enough. After all, even Barack Obama almost always agrees with Barack Obama. [•And lately with George Bush]
So. We need to find a way to ensure a reliable supply of african-americans who will blackwash our criticism. Now the obvious answer is to steal black children from their parents so they can be raised by racists. [•I semll a reality show]
But, good luck getting that passed by a democratic congress. [•or anything else]
So that unfortunately only leaves one answer: shoe polish. It's the traditional way for racists to show they have nothing against black people. [•also, "I like Will Smith."]
So, tea-partiers, birthers, Glen, Rush, [picture of Glen, Rush] don't let your valid criticisms be unfairly associated with racism. Before the next time you accuse the president of having a secret plan to take white people's money and give it to black people, or broadcast shuck-and-jive imitations of african-american leaders, just put on a little blackwashing. [picture: Glen & Rush in blackface] Then people will hear your real message. And that's the word.