My grandfather was a staunch Republican. He regularly donated to even the craziest, most radical right wingers out there, as long as they had an 'R' next to their name. (By way of example, my grandfather actually gave money to Alan Keyes in 2000.)
Since my grandfather died in 2006, my father has inherited the tidal wave of Republican fundraising mail, despite the fact that my parents are registered Democrats, because my father's name is the same as his father's. So I am reviewing my parents' mail while they are away on vacation and I came across a fundraising letter for John McCain. I thought I would try to entertain you all with a translation of Senator McCain's "straight talk" way of whoring for campaign cash. All emphasis is in the original.
Dear Friend,
I have never been one to mince words, so I'll get right to the point.
If you are at all concerned about the prospect of Senator Barack Obama becoming the next President of the United States, then I need your help, and I need it right now.
Boogety, boogety! The scary black man isn't just out for your cash, but the whole damn country.
The November election may seem far off, but the outcome of the election could well be determined in the next 30 days.
That is how long I have to reach a critical funding goal that I must meet to keep my campaign on track and get my message to the voters as we move into the next phase of the election cycle.
I have no money. I know I say I'm no Miss Congeniality, but I thought some people liked me enough to give me money.
To stay competitive and ultimately win the election I must raise $21.5 million in the next month. That is an enormous challenge. And I cannot do it alone -- I must have your help to meet that goal.
That goal doesn't sound too arbitrary, does it? And it sounds like something attainable, right? I mean, I don't want to ask for so much that I end up looking ridiculous when I fall short.
That is why I am reaching out to you today and asking you to support my presidential campaign by rushing an Emergency Contribution of $2,300, $1,000, $500, $100, $50 or $35 to my headquarters as soon as you possibly can.
See how desperate I am? I'll even take contributions of $35. (But really, try to keep 'em above $1,000.)
Let me tell you why your support is so urgent.
Senator Obama and his wealthy liberal allies have built the most massive political fundraising machine in modern history.
My rich donors are better than his rich donors.
They are growing their mailing lists and phone banks, perfecting their technologies, developing their money-raising techniques -- from telephones to text-messaging to mail to the Internet to knocking on doors. And it is working.
Democracy...Feh.
With all the hype and media attention focused on his campaign -- Senator Obama has managed to raise over $266 million. This is an unheard of amount of money in the entire history of American elections -- and his campaign shows no signs of slowing down.
There used to be a time when only Republicans could afford to buy elections. Ahh, the good old days.
And now that the focus has shifted to the general election, the full scope and power of the Democrats' relentless and battle-tested fundraising machine has turned toward one target: Defeating me.
Did I mention I was a POW? That entitles me to the White House, doesn't it?
I must be ready for them.
To do that, I've got to immediately accelerate and increase my own fundraising goals.
With so much money in play and so many liberal groups ready to attack, I must be prepared for one of the most overwhelming tidal waves of accusations, distortions, misrepresentations, and propaganda ever unleashed in a presidential contest.
And without your help, I won't be able to pay for all of that.
Senator Obama wants to raise your taxes. I am committed to stopping efforts to repeal the tax cuts, lowering corporate tax rates from 35% to 25%, and abolishing the Alternative Minimum Tax, saving middle class families nearly $60 billion in a single year.
And saving wealthy families many times that.
Senator Obama wants to increase the size of the federal government. I plan to reduce it. Washington's irresponsibility with your tax dollars is a national disgrace. I will continue my ongoing fight to end wasteful spending by vetoing every pork-laden spending bill, seeking the line-item veto, and rooting out earmarks that have opened the floodgates to corruption and fiscal irresponsibility.
Hopefully you won't realize that all of that "wasteful spending" took place while my party was in charge of the entire government or that the line-item veto has already been ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court.
Senator Obama offers a big government solution to health care coverage.
My answer to providing families with quality affordable health care is to harness the power of market competition while giving Americans maximum freedom to choose the health care best suited for them. I believe big government is not the answer to rising health care costs. Big government is the problem.
My plan for health care is to do nothing.
And of course, Senator Obama will surrender to Al Qaeda in Iraq and withdraw our armed forces based on an arbitrary timetable.
I'm quite sure President Obama's first act with regard to Iraq would be to say, "We surrender!" and then bug out. And Al Qaeda is in Iraq, right? They're Shia, right? Or is it Sunni? And they're in league with Iran and the communists and Hitler. Evil bastards.
In short, the difference between me and Senator Obama is unmistakable. If my opponent wins the White House in November, we could be facing one of the most radical and extreme shifts in the direction of our nation in American history. And if Democrats also retain control of Congress, they would control the entire federal government and would be unstoppable.
The shift would be extreme only because the current administration has been so radical. And I'm hoping that people don't want the direction of the nation to shift despite the fact that the vast majority believe we are on the wrong track. And we all know how well one party control of the federal government works. And I'd like you to believe that Democrats would create this unstoppable force if in control of the government, but that is an unstoppable force that is really only unstoppable in relation to its efforts to raise taxes, not to protect you from being bombed by scary brown people.
The Democrats are raising massive amounts of money to do just that. And they are not alone.
The National Democrats and their special interest organizations, labor unions and unregulated 527 soft-money groups like the notorious MoveOn.org, have already started trying to undermine my candidacy with negative ads filled with untruths, and they are promising to spend hundreds of millions more against me in the coming months. Just recently the AFL-CIO launched a $53 million "anti-McCain" effort to try and drag me down.
MoveOn.org is a notorious 527 organization with more than 3,000,000 members. I prefer notorious 527 organizations that are funded by 3 or 4 super-wealthy ultra-conservatives.
Democracy...Feh.
Let me stress that I believe that a Presidential race should not be about money -- it should be about issues and the American people. I am firmly convinced that money alone will not win the election -- discussing the issues, having a vision for the future that includes all Americans, and having the conviction and guts to stick to your beliefs will enable us to win.
I believe all of these things because I have much less money.
As I pursue the Office of the President of The United States, I make you this promise: I will always put America -- her strength, her ideals, her future -- before every other consideration.
her strength, her ideals, her future, her businesses, her wealthy people...Did I say that out loud?
Thank you for listening to me -- and for doing what you can.
When I read letters, I hear voices in my head, don't you?
I hope to hear back from you soon and I look forward to working with you throughout this campaign as we battle to win the White House in November.
When I say "hear back from you" I really mean "hear back from your money". Please don't actually try to tell me anything.