I like a good troll diary. When I see one with a lot of comments I jump right in loaded for bear. The first thing I do after reading the diary is see if they're foolish enough to put up a tip jar. But I've been really dissapointed at the quality of trolls we've been getting here lately at dkos. They just haven't been doing it for me.I expect to be outraged by a troll diary. But the ones I've seen in the past few weeks have been just plain dumb. Now I'm pretty dumb myself which is why I have a pretty extensive collection of "Dummies" books. There is a new Dummies book out written by Elmer Fudpucker, troll extrordinaire. I highly recommend this book for our troll friends. I have included an excerpt from chapter one.
CHAPTER 1
GETTING STARTING
I hate libruls. All of this cuntrys problems is they fault. They's got a lot of people fooled into thinkin' that George Bush ain't the best thing thats ever happened to this cuntry. Hard as it is to believe, it's jus' possible that we might up an' lose this election. So we all needs to do our part to make sure that don't happen. One thing to do is write troll diaries on the DailyKos hate site. Theys a lot of libruls over there, more than a hundred. In order to get 'em to vote for John McCane we needs ta fool 'em inta thinkin' we're one of them, which ain't as hard as it sounds as you'll see. Libruls is stupid. Pickin' the right username is imporant. Use something like librulklansman or democratpartymember.The name of your diary isn't important as long as you put w/pooties after it. Pooties is what libruls call cats. I don't why, but they jus' loves the mangy things. As long as ya put w/pooties in your title they'll swarm to yur diary like flies to fresh shit. Make sure that you actually give 'em a pootie pic so's they won't think your a liar.
First thing ya needs to do is get your list of talkin' points together. So let's see what we've got.
1. Obama ain't got no experience 2. Obama hates America 3. Obama's an eliter
All righty then. That's enuf for a good diary. We gota remember that libruls ain't got very big brains so we don't want to overload 'em too much. And they ain't very good readers neither so we don't want ta make the diary too long else they'll get bored an' start ta aborten' babies and burnin' American flags and such. I figger five paragrafs is plenty. One for introduction, one each for our talkin' points, and a closer. Now when we start hittin' our talkin' points the thing ta remember is that libruls like facts. I don't know why but they jus' loves 'em. So we can't jus' make shit up. We need to throw us some facts in with our bullshit. So watch some Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity and get ya sum. So in your first paragraf ya need to talk about how ya used to be a librul until ya figgered out that Obama was really a Muslim terrorist. Then hit 'em with yur three paragrafs full 'o facts. Then close with yur paragraf explainin' how John McCane is a real white American war hero and Barack Obama is a black African terrorist. Ok, lets give 'er a whirl. Don't forget ta give 'em there damn pooties. Do it first so's you'll get 'em to like you. In fact, you can't have too many pooties in yur diary. Libruls is so stupid.
I used to be in the democrat party. I even voted for Abe Lincoln and fought with the New York Yankees in the Silver War. So you can see how I got nothin' agin the Coloreds. Would I be a registered member of this hate site if I didn't hate the Republicans? Think on it. I even campaigned for Barack Obama in the Iowa primary. I registered thousands of Negro voters in the rural areas. I was gonna vote for Barrack Hussein Osama until I got me some facts that concerns me.
See how I got'em fooled into thinkin' I'm one of them. Now I hit'em with my three talkin' points full of facts. And make sure you put some English on yur talkin' points. Put some spin on 'er. First up, John McCane gots experience, Barack Hussein Osama ain't got shit.
John McCain was born on August 29, 1836 in the smolderin' ruins of the Alamo. Barack Obama was born on August 4, 2001, just before September 11. Coincidence? McCane has years and years more experience than Osama. Just do the math. John McCane's zodiac sign is Virgo the Virgin. He's pure and innocent. Barack Obama's sign's Leo the Lion. He's a pussy. McCane has had two wifes, Obama only one. And how do we know if they are even really married or if his wife is really a woman? McCane has wrecked five planes. Obama don't even know how to fly. Obama will do the stupid thing of redeploying our troops from Iraq to the Afgan/Pakistan border. McCane will do the smart thing of deploying them to the Iraq/Pakistan border. Barack Hussein Osama has never served in the military. John McCane is the greatest war hero ever who was shot down and captured all in the same day. John McCane wants to give more tax breaks to the big oil companies and let them drill offshore and in the National Artic Wildlife Refugee Center which experts say will drop the price of gas to $.25/gal within 3 days. Barack Hussein Obama wants a waterfall profits tax on the oil companies and give the money to whiney taxpayers which more experts say will drive the price of gas to $25/gal in 3 hours. John Mcane is old enuf to remember quarter gas. Barack Hussein Osama wants ya to save gas by inflatin' your tires and tunin' up your car. How would he know anything about cars? He ain't even old enuf to drive.
Notice how I cleverly mixed truthiness in with things that maybe ain't exactly so, but could be. The battle of the Alamo was fought in 1836, that's the truth. John was really born in the Pannermal Canal, but Pammerians can't vote. We're after the Texican vote ya see, and them Texicans just love their Alamo. It reminds 'em of Santer Anter and the Mexican invasion and how John McCane wants to build The Great Wall to keep 'em out. See how that works? Just make sure ya sprinkle just enuf facts onto yur bullshit to hide the smell. Libruls are dumb, they'll never no. Now on to talking point number two. Obama hates America.
John McCane come from a Navy family. His daddy was a 4 star admirlal. His grandaddy was a 7 star admirlal. Osama's daddy was a black African Mulsim with 3 wifes and a harum full of young white slave girls. His grandaddy was a cannibal.John McCane bombed a lot of people during the Vietnam War and wants to bomb the Iranians too. He even made a song about it. Barack Obama ain't bombed nobody and jes wants to talk to the Iranians. How can we elect someone president that ain't even killed nobody?Barack Hussein Osama gave a big speech in Berlin, Germany just like Adolf Hitler did. Now the commie librul media will try to say that John McCane went to Canada and Columbia. But he was in American Canada where they speaks English, not in Frenchie Canada eating frogs. And Columbia is American too. Our capital is in Columbia. What do ya think the D.C. stands for in Washington D.C.?
Notice how I drove home the fact that John McCane is the biggest war hero ever and how he knows how to win wars because he won the Vietnam War almost single handed. And don't forget yur facts. Berlin really is in Germany, I looked it up. Now on to talking point number three, Osama is an eliter. For those of ya that don't know what that is, it means he's uptitty.
John McCane went ta Antappleles Navel Accademy where he graduated 894th out of a class of 899, only 5 away from the top.Barack Hussein Osama went to Harvard Law Skool , a elitist iver leag college, where he graduated magna cum laude, which ain't even English but sum kinda foreign Greek words. McCane likes to play American golf. Obama can't even bowl good and likes to play Muslim basketball with Kareem Abdul Jabbar. John McCane likes to guzzle good ol' American Budweiser, Osama likes to sip lattes, which is some kinda European sissy drink.
Now for our final paragraf where we sum 'er all up. In fact I can put 'er all in one sentence why we should vote for John McCane and not Barack Obama.
John McCane is white, Barack Hussein Osama ain't.
Now then, to end this chapter I wanna say a few words about the comments your likely to get with yur diary. You can count on 'em to start hollern' for links to back up yur facts. I ain't sure what a links is, but I'm purty sure it has sumthin' to do with the Google. So jes tells 'em that yur pootie knocked yur Google off the table and broke it and ya haven't gotten around to gettin' a new one yet. Ya gots ta use yur heads peoples. Now these Kosussers like ya to put up sumthing called a tip jar so's they can give ya rec's so ya know how much they like yur diary. Trouble is ever time I put one up and sit ther waitin' for my tips to cum rollin' in, it ups and dissapears on me. I jus can't figger it. These libruls think their so smart and they can't even build 'em a website that works rite. Libruls is so stupid. But one way to tell how much the Kosussers like yur diary is by the number of recipees ya get. See, when they really like it they'll give ya there favorite recipee. I've got so many that my next book is gonna be a cookbook. Ya can figger every recipee is worth one vote for John McCane. So far I've got hundreds of Kosusser votes for McCane and still goin' strong. Libruls is so stupid.